The Lovie Story

The first thing I bought for Felix was this small lovie blanket.

It has whales in different colors and is a very soft material.

I was only 20 weeks pregnant, and at a birth and baby show feeling completely overwhelmed by everything I saw around me.

Breastpumps, carriers, swings, strollers, food, toys...I really had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

The intimidation that first time parents feel before their baby arrives is huge. 

But, when I saw this little lovie blanket, I knew that whoever this little boy was inside of me, he needed it. 

It was my first gift to my boy. 

It was special. 

Special because of how special I knew he was, and because the bond between a mother and her unborn baby is inexplicably special. 

Maybe it's the official acknowledgement of your love and care for them. It may have been my first realization of many, that "OMG I'm actually having a baby." I had a lot of those moments throughout my pregnancy -- and here he is almost 6 months old and I still think "OMG, I actually have a 6 month old".

Maybe it's all of those emotions swimming around inside of your heart that makes every small event having to do with your unborn child extra sweet and gushy and teary. But that lovie was safely placed by his crib until the day he was born. I never put it away anywhere that I could forget about (that happens all too often), it's like it was my special reminder that my sweet little boy would soon be here.

I waited patiently for Felix to be old enough to acknowledge this little lovie. You have to wait until he is grasping and noticing things like that. And of course you hear what the proverbial "they" say in the back of your mind, "nothing in the crib but the baby"... but sometimes mothers intuition trumps "they". Felix slept swaddled at every nap and through the night until he was about 5 months old. He was much too busy to have the freedom of movement of his arms! I still kept the lovie close to him, though -- still waiting for the right time.

When the sleep regression hit and my sanity flew out the window with it, I was left searching for options on how to get my poor child to sleep again. We started with a new wombie swaddle blanket, which keeps him zipped up tight, with one arm out and one arm in. We took the pacifier away, probably the best decision we ever made. After we took it, he was magically able to fall asleep on his own. And finally, we gave him that lovie blanket to hold, rub, and wave around as he fell asleep.

This was before the woombie blanket arrived and we took the paci! 

And just like that, Felix fell in love with his lovie. He has an impossible time falling asleep without it. He squirms and screams when I lay him down for a nap but as soon as he feels his lovie in his hand or on his cheek, he calms down and closes his eyes. Half of the time he ends up with it covering his face, and I promptly remove it and put it in the crook of his arm.

Yesterday I learned the hard way not to wash the lovie before nap time. When I transferred the load into the dryer the lovie got left behind in the washing machine, and then the unthinkable happened -- the dryer broke. There was no way I was sending him for a nap with a wet blanket. 

Well as you can imagine, nap time was a nightmare. 

He actually wouldn't sleep at all without the darn thing.

Have I created a lovie monster?

Maybe. 

Thank goodness the wind was able to dry his lovie before bedtime, or else it may have been war. 

When he wakes up like this, happy as can be, I'm reminded of the journey we've been on.

From entering the scary world of babies and all the gear they come with, to having a thriving, happy 6 month old boy.

I'm reminded of how God meets us when we are at our weakest, and gives us something beautiful. He gives us something hard so He can give us strength. He walks us through the wilderness so we can see the joy that He has purposed for us. 

I'm so thankful for this special little boy. 

Bedtime wars and all.

Exciting Uncertainty

It's been a quiet few months around here. I've been processing a lot of hard things emotionally, and I have a few unfinished, unedited blog posts that will probably never leave the "draft" box. My heart has been heavy with a lot of anger, confusion, and sadness -- some might call it mommy blues, some might say it's depression, I just think of it as a season where I'm trying to figure out where God is in my "new" life. 

Motherhood has been incredibly isolating so far. Yes, the online communities like Baby Center and Instagram exist -- but the physical, face-to-face interactions are lacking. I have always thought of myself as an introvert, but I have found myself aching for more adult interaction. Without a place to vent and share I have found myself to be harboring a ton of negativity and anger. I've been angry that people made empty promises. I've been angry at the cat, for whatever reason when Felix was born my brain decided to be irritated with her all the time. I've been angry at our living situation, because I'm starting to feel cramped and some days I wish we didn't live so far south away from people. I've been angry at our church, for various situations -- which hasn't helped me find God any more swiftly. I really hate the phrase "just give it to God", because it is oh so easy to say, and oh so impossible to do. But I know that what I must do, it's to stop giving these things so much energy and to let God take care of my heart instead. My heart has been ruled by my anger and frustration and I'm ready, I think, to shake off the cobwebs and be renewed again. 

We are about to enter a season of exciting uncertainty. Seth graduates in two days and soon after he will be taking exams which, when passed, he will be able to secure a job. I'm excited about the possibilities of where we might land. Of course it depends on where he applies, but I'm actually excited to move out of Gilroy and see where God puts us. I'm nervous too, about his pay, and his health insurance, and having to be fully financially independent again. We have been so well taken care of by his family while he has been in school, and we are incredibly grateful for that.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for what this new season has, uncertain as it may be. We have our beautiful boy, who is changing and growing every day, and a God who cares, and has a great plan for us. I've been thinking about a new blog name to reflect this season, and to really reflect the way that our lives together have shaped up so far. We'll see when I have time/energy to mae that change happen! 

Until then, here is a little Felix update:

We decided to take away the pacifier and it changed our lives. Felix now sleeps and naps on his own with minimal fussing. He learned how to roll over and is now working on sitting up. We are still undecided about the MRI scan, currently our thought is that if he will need it at some point, than we should do it now while it only costs $50 copay and we don't know what our insurance will be like in a few months. He has a modeling interview tomorrow in San Francisco, my thought it is that it would be a great way to start a college fund and to try something fun and new. I'll leave you with this sweet cheesy portrait of him for now!

-

Jamie

Felix Alexander: 4 Months

Dear Felix,

Today you are four months old.
You are 15 pounds and 7 ounces.
Seriously kid, you are ridiculously cute.

Yesterday you got your 4 month vaccinations.
You were a champ! You only cried for 30 seconds and went back to sleep in my arms.
I am such a proud mama.

I love the little person you are becoming.

Grabbing at your toes, grabbing at my hair, jumping in your jumper like a pro, blowing endless bubbles, it seems that each day you are doing something new. 

Your favorite thing is cooing and talking, you wake up in the middle of night just to talk to yourself.

I wish you'd keep those conversations until morning. 

You love your Dad, your grandparents, and your Mama like whoa. 

You love smiling at strangers, brightening each persons day as we walk through the grocery store. 

You think raspberries on your belly are funny, and giggle when Mama pushes your feet to your face. 

You are the happiest baby in the whole wide world.

This month was full of adventure. 

We carted you around to Santa Cruz, San Francisco, and to your Grandparents houses. 

You put up with your parents silliness very well.

Exhibit A

You've thankfully stopped peeing on your Mom so much.

But, you still spit up like it's going out of style.

I'm excited for you to grow out of that soon. 

Your hair has gotten a lot lighter, it is a light brown with blonde underneath -- I'm so happy you're not bald. Your big ol' head would get very cold without hair!

This month you learned how to fight naps like a ninja. 

Getting you to nap is nearly impossible on a good day. 

You've become so aware of your surroundings that closing your eyes would mean you have to miss out on too many fun things going on around you!

But when you do sleep, it is the sweetest sight. 

You also don't like waking up in strange, unfamiliar places. You scream your little head off until you figure out that you're in your moms arms and that everything is a-ok. 

You have officially grown out of your 3 month clothing, and now your 3-6 month clothing. No more gaping V-necks for you. 

I was holding off on the 9 month clothes simply out of denial that you are getting so big, but alas, I gave in. 

You have become a tummy time pro. I am so glad. I was worried about you being able to hold up that big noggin of yours. 

You also have rolled a few times from your belly to your back, the look of surprise on your face when it happens is pretty awesome. 

You also have tons of toys, and love to play with them. 

It's so fun to see you interact with them, mostly by sticking them right into your mouth. 

You love to stand.

Your little legs are getting very strong indeed.

I bet you will skip crawling all together and start walking early. 

Let's hold off on that for a while,

I'm not quite ready for you to be mobile yet. 

Last weekend we went on a trip to San Francisco as a family.

I know you wont remember much of it, but we definitely will.

I will remember how you fought sleep the entire day, spit up all over my shirt, and ate like a beast.

I will also remember that when Grandma offers to babysit for such adventures, we will say yes next time. 

In the next few weeks you and I will travel to Portland to visit Auntie Mel and Auntie Ashley. 

I can't wait for you to meet your Auntie Mel, she is a gem and your Mamas BFF. 

And you get to go to her wedding later this year, your very first wedding!

I wept as I read the book "On the Night You Were Born" to you the other night. 

I thought about the anticipation leading up to your arrival, and seeing your sweet face for the first time, and the overwhelming amount of love that floods my heart for you. 

I used to think that the saying "my heart could burst" was just a silly saying, but honestly, you make my heart so full I really think it could burst.

Your cheesy grin, your big brown eyes, your laugh...I never thought those little things could overwhelm my heart the way they do. 

So whenever you doubt just how special you are
And you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
Listen for geese honking high in the sky.
(They’re singing a song to remember you by.)
Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.
(It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)
Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.
(Listen closely…it’s whispering your name again!)
If the moon stays up until morning one day,
Or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,
Or a little bird sits at your window awhile,
It’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…
For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
Has the world ever known a you, my friend,
And it never will, not ever again…

And finally, Felix, you really are the best.

Life has changed for the better with you in it.

Even though some days are hard, and your mama is having a rough time adjusting, you make everything worth it. 

I love you,

Mama.

Felix Alexander: 3 months

Dear Felix,

How in the heck are you three months old already?

I wish I could freeze time and keep you here in this smiling, easy, super fun stage of your little life. 

It is truly amazing to watch you grow, and you've grown leaps and bounds in the past few weeks. 

You are now in 6 month clothing. We don't know exactly how much you weigh since we don't go back to the doctor for another month. I'm guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 14 pounds. 

You still have lots of nicknames. The ones I stick with most are Nugget, Bubbs, and Bubba. How we arrived at those I do not know. But you are my sweet little nugget. 

This month you became homies with Pooh. Finally. 

You also became the smiliest baby ever.

I'm convinced we have the happiest baby in the world. 

Cuteness like this should be illegal. 

This month you got a special visit from your Tia (Auntie) Ashley. 

She came all the way from Washington to see YOU on HER birthday, what a treat!

Because you did a lot of growing this month, that means you did a lot of sleeping.

Mama can't resist a picture of you dozing, heck you're dozing as I type this up. 

I recently discovered that you prefer to sleep on your side, which worries me because you are swaddled at night. I found that if you're overtired and fussy and I put you on your side, you are instantly calm and sleep comes soon. 

Oh, and you're still sleeping through the night like a champ. 9 hours of pure bliss. 

Let's hope your future brothers and sisters sleep just like you do, you'll teach them how...right?

Your mama struggled with your constant water fountain-esque spit up.

After getting new bottles, a formula mixing pitcher, and a dose of hopefulness, we finally settled on a special formula for spit up. How about that. Why it took me three months to try that formula....nobody knows. 

Now we are both a lot happier! Your spit up is now quite chunky, but it doesn't cover your clothes as much and happens way less often. 

It's a win-win. 

This month we learned to take selfies.

You also started to get pudgy. I'm really excited about this extra layer of fat you've got going on. 

We went to Grandma and Grandpas house for a weekend visit. 

I had to bathe your stinky self somehow, so we filled up the tub with just enough water for you to float in and you loved it..despite the look on your face. Mama might have made the water too hot. 

Your Mom and Dad now have a pretty good handle on you (for now atleast). You're becoming kind of predictable.

Eat, play, sleep, repeat.

or
Eat, sleep, play, repeat.

That happens about every 3 hours. Though you can't be awake for more than an hour and a half before you get super tired. 

When you get super tired you start to melt down.

Speaking of tired, you've become a somewhat sleep ninja. 

Gone are the days when you could nap on your own, I think it's because you get distracted so easily. You now need a quiet room, a paci, and a very comfortable position (aka Moms arms) in order to sleep. 

The day before you turned 12 weeks you hit a huge growth spurt.

You went from eating about 4.5 ounces at a time to packing away 6, no problem.

That doesn't sound like a lot, but we struggled to get you to eat the minimum of 24 ounces a day for a long time, and now you eat at least 30! 

You make the best faces. 

And that smile, it knocks me over. 

This week you started grasping objects on your own.

By the time you'll be able to read this you won't think thats a big deal at all, but it is! 

I'd prefer you to grasp toys.

But sometimes its your poop during a diaper change, your moms hair, or your tongue which makes you choke. Fun times. 

Oh, buddy.

I honestly didn't think my heart was capable of love like this. 

I couldn't imagine a more lovable, sweet baby. 

As much as I want to freeze time, I love watching you change and grow.

I love your squeals, giggles, and coos. 

I love the way you instantly light up when you see me. 

Being your mama is a delight.

You are fun, cheery, and so gosh darn cute. 

I sure do love you.

Every.single.part.

Love,

Mama. 

2013 in Review: Genuine

I know, I'm late to the party. 

Better late than never when it comes to talking about my favorite year thus far. 

On December 31st, 2012 Seth and I were in New York City, finally on our honeymoon! We spent the day walking from the middle of Central Park all the way to Greenwich village, instead of standing in the middle of times square for 20 hours straight. We ate authentic NYC pizza in Greenwich Village, and hitched a cab back to our hotel before the evening festivities began. We spent over $200 to smoke hookah at a fancy hookah lounge and decided to skip a nice dinner for the sake of our wallet...oh NYC on NYE, your prices are outrageous. At midnight we got as close as we could to Times Square, ate street food for dinner, and kissed under the sparkling Christmas tree at Radio City Music Hall. 

On New Year's Day we boarded a cruise ship and headed south to the Bahamas. 

We spent 8 days relaxing on the ship and exploring a new country! We had a blast. 

Shortly after we returned home we brought home our new furry family member, Penelope. 

She was 4 months old at the time. 

She is now a maniacal cat who drives me nuts on most days. 

But I do love her, a lot more than I expected to.

I also learned how to crochet in January 2013. I am proud of what I've accomplished so far, with the reopening of my shop and the growth of my craft!

In March, we became official members of Garden City Church, and also watched some dear friends meet Jesus and get baptized. There is nothing more beautiful than a life reborn in Christ.

Also in March, we got the surprise of our lives.

 Some curious back pain turned out to be a baby!

It's crazy thinking back to those early days of learning we were pregnant.

So much confusion, anxiety, wonder, and excitement filled our minds.

I was and still am so thankful we had 9 months to prepare! (and even after 9 months we still weren't quite ready)

In April we traveled to Seattle to visit my best friends.

Melissa's boyfriend proposed that weekend, and we got to celebrate their engagement!

We also got to meet up with my college roommate Tori, who is an amazing photographer and took some baby announcement photos for us!

In the next few months we did a lot of growing.

Scratch that, I did a lot of growing. 

Over the summer we traveled south to L.A to visit our dear friends Sean & Carolyn. We spent the day at Disneyland and saw one of our favorite comedians Jim Gaffigan live!

I celebrated my 23rd birthday on July 26th. 

I traveled to Portland to visit Melissa and Ashley for one last hoo-rah before the baby arrived! They celebrated me and Felix with a special little baby shower. We also shopped, and found Melissa's wedding dress!

In August we traveled to Tahoe for a baby-moon. Lots of relaxing, waddling, and a fun day of boating too!

In September we celebrated one year of marriage. One crazy and special year it was. 

We kept it low key, since I was super pregnant at the time. But, one of my favorite things was getting to surprise Seth by singing him a song, the song that we had our first dance to at our wedding. It was a teary, beautiful mess indeed. 

We went to dinner at our favorite place in Morgan Hill, ate a remake of the top tier of our wedding cake and spent one night in San Luis Obispo.

We got another surprise in September and found out that we had to move! We moved to a new apartment near downtown Gilroy. It was a big move for us, especially with me being unable to help with most of well...everything. Our new place is cozy, but we're making it work.

I'm finally learning the art of getting rid of crap I don't need!

I quit my job at CRC when I was 35 weeks pregnant!

They celebrated Felix and I with a little cake before we left. 

In October Melissa and Ashley flew down to California for our baby shower. We had a huge baby shower BBQ, and it was fantastic. There really is nothing better than having all of your favorite people gathered in one place. 

In November we laid low. I was due at the end of November but felt like he was going to come at any point. Those last few weeks were quite uncomfortable but we managed to make it to a few baby classes before Felix arrived!

My due date came and went, but a week later Felix arrived on December 8th, 2013 changing our lives forever. 

The rest of 2013 was spent trying to navigate the first few weeks of being a mom. 

Felix is now 5 weeks old. He is growing like a champ! I have learned a lot about myself in these past few weeks, especially with my emotional endurance. Aside from the physical struggles of giving birth, I have had to deal with the emotional stress of not being able to breastfeed Felix. The circumstances have certainly put my pride in check, which is something I so desperately needed. I have also learned to admit that I need help, and also to ask for it! 

I'm also learning to live with my post-baby body, which is a lot more atrocious that I had originally imagined, especially when my plan for weight loss included breastfeeding. I did not make a plan B in case it didn't work out! Pregnancy is so physically hard on your body and I feel like it will never be the same. And yes, I have "earned my stripes". Yes, my body has just done something amazing. Yes, the reward is worth it. Yes, yes, yes. I agree with all of the other cliche things they say about your post baby body in an attempt to encourage a woman who has just given birth.

But, I have struggled with my body image since I was 7 years old, and I wish that could magically change when I gave birth but it didn't. 

And that's ok. 

I guess I need time, discipline, and some will power to get myself back in shape and more healthy. 

No doubt I'll be running after Felix in no time, so let's hope that contributes. 

-------------

Last year, I chose the word genuine for my word of 2013. 

I wanted to be authentic in word and deed. 

I wanted to commit to being fully present, fully aware, fully vulnerable.

I wanted to experience something raw, awe-inspiring, maybe even terrifying. 

I wanted my heart to be full of truth.

Part of that meant not covering up tough emotions or circumstances, masking them because it was easier to throw them under the rug than to deal with the realness of it all. 

I definitely got what I wanted.

2013 was full of surprises, emotional strain, stress, and sometimes even terror. 

On the flip-side, 2013 was full of new experiences, relational growth, maturity, and a beautiful baby.

My faith in God grew in 2013.

My understanding of His love and care for me grew immensely. 

I was more honest and open that I have ever been before. Most of that honesty was written into this blog. I've learned to lay everything out on the table, because I'd rather be honest about how I'm really doing than leave people with a sense that I was somehow ingenuine or trying to cover something up. 

I want people to know the real me, junk, sin, and ugliness included. 

--------------------

I'm sure 2014 will be equally full of surprises.

Seth will be graduating in May, and he will begin the search for a full time job somewhere in the Bay Area. That thought alone is probably more scary for me than it is for him!

We will also be trying to navigate what my work life will be like. I still have the opportunity to do some part time work, but I'm not sure how beneficial working will be for our bank account if we have to pay for childcare. 

Additionally, my Etsy shop is doing well and I would love for it to continue to grow so it could support us more. Any ideas on how to help it grow more are welcomed!

And of course, Felix will grow and change rapidly in this next year. Right now I stare at his tiny little self as he snores away completely in awe of how much he has already grown in the past 5 weeks! 

PEACE

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Choosing one word to focus on for an entire year isn't easy, but in light of the craziness of 2013 I want 2014 to have a little more peace. 

Ok, a lot more peace.

 Not that it will be any less busy or crazy, but I want my heart to have more peace in the midst of it all.

I want to focus less on my plans, and focus more on fixing my eyes on Jesus and trusting His plan. 2013 taught me that my plans kinda suck. Or that I just wasn't meant to make them in the first place. 

I want to put my plans to rest, and find peace in the unknown. 

I want to have peace about my lack of control, I am so often crippled by my fear of things I can't control. 

I want to worry less. I want to spend less time being emotionally distraught over circumstances I can't control.

My mother in law put it so perfectly the other day, "It's time to put your energy into things that you CAN change." (This was in regards to breastfeeding but is a good principle for life in general)

I also want to experience more peace about my own life so I can devote time to serving others in the midst of their crazy lives. Serving others is an easy way to forget myself and my pride. 

Part of experiencing new peace will be an acceptance of impending chaos. 

This is the glorious reality that Christ has offered. We are the blank pages and He holds the pen!

 And surely He is a much better story teller than I. 

-------

peace out!

;)