Tuesday, August 27, 2013

26 weeks.

How far along? 26 weeks!

Baby size? Baby is umm...large. Almost two pounds and about 15 inches long.

What's he up to in there? He is kicking a lot...and now in more areas than he was before - particularly on my bladder. What a sweety he is.

Total Weight Gain: 18 pounds -- probably more by now after my weekend eat-a-thon. Yikes.

Maternity clothes? yes. I don't live in anything else.

Stretch marks? yes. it makes me sad - but thus is the mark of motherhood. 

Sleep: I seem to wake up a lot earlier than usual and wake up from strange dreams. Last night I dreamt that my mug swap arrived completely broken and I had a nervous breakdown about it.

Best Moment:Having my girlfriends feel the baby kick! That was exciting for me and for them.

Melissa and Ashley also threw me a little baby shower when I was visiting this past weekend - it was SO special and I felt so loved. 

Miss anything? My regular hygiene routine...aka being able to shave.

Movement? Little man is very active!
Cravings: mexican food & sweet things.
The cravings come on strong at random times -- but usually after a regular meal I crave something sweet.  

Queasy/sick? nothing. I feel great!

Gender? Little stud muffin cutie man. 

Labor signs? Nope. But I get weird spasms in my belly that last a millisecond. I feel them after I've been sitting for a long time and get up. I hope that's not a labor sign.

Belly button? Still inny -- I have a feeling its not going to pop but we shall see.

Wedding rings on/off? On! I tried to find a potential replacement for when they get to small when I was on my vacation this past weekend but I was unsuccessful. Most of them look gaudy.

Mood? Stressed. Overwhelmed. More stress.

Looking Forward to: Moving. I want to move already and be settled. This whole living in boxes things still has me going bonkers.

We start moving on September 9th with final move in on Friday the 13th -- pray for us in the mix of all of that chaos. I'm still trying to pack a few boxes at a time but I'm starting to get overwhelmed with all the dust starting to accumulate. 

Tonight is my first night home in a week where I might be able to get some stuff done - I NEED that. We have laundry & chores and so much stacking up!

I desperately want peace right now.
Just two more weeks. 
More Jesus, less of me & my mess.
And two more weeks until can be settled.

Monday, August 19, 2013

On Chaos & Peace.

Life has moved from crazy to chaos, it is official. 
Taking apart our home has made it really hard for me to feel peaceful. I'm quickly realizing how I cling to the peace that a put together home brings me. 
I'm surrounded by half packed boxes, sparsely filled shelves, and dust. Lots of dust. 
I'm trying to take things little by little, two boxes one night and none on the next. I'm putting together goodwill boxes -- and since we've lived here exactly one year it gives me a pretty good gauge on what to throw out. If  I haven't touched it in the past year, it probably doesn't need to move with us and sit another whole year. But, that just leaves another task on my ever growing list - yes it is good to take things to goodwill but my list is growing and my time is not. 

I also picked up a few extra shifts at work. 
Terrible, terrible plan. 
But work is extra chaotic with recent company wide changes, so it seemed doable at the time. 
But my increasingly pregnant & increasingly tired self probably should have said no and not tried to play superwoman. I actually do less quality work because I'm so tired. 
I'm realizing that playing superwoman is something I also try to do way too often. Pick up the slack, do more than I should, overwork myself to not appear lazy.
 It's definitely a pride issue. Because sometimes I want a little extra glory. Trying to get extra glory is like swimming against a strong current though, I backslide and fall and end up further away from glory than when I started. Then Jesus knocks me over the head and says, "hey kid - I'm the one who gives you strength therefore I get the glory, besides I transfered ALL of my glory to YOU on the cross and gave you MY righteousness, do you really think you can earn more than my death did? Your glory doesn't matter."

My glory doesn't matter. 
Nor has it ever mattered - nor will it EVER matter. 

It strikes me that lately my glorious little world I've created is kind of unravelling. 
My home is in pieces. There is dust, cat hair, cat litter and cobwebs all over everything.
My body is becoming large...and striped for that matter. As beautiful and exciting as pregnancy is, it s a reality check on my addiction to food and how I all to frequently comfort myself with it. 
As this baby boy hijacks more of my body & its normal function I realize he will be hijacking our sense of "normal" too. That is not a bad thing, it's just frightening. 
I will be leaving work at the end of October which I'm excited about, but feel like I'm losing my sense of legitimacy as a young professional woman. I'm letting the world's opinion of me sneak in and tell me that staying home with my baby and only working part time is somehow wrong. 
And in realizing all of this madness, I too realize that I have spent less time with Jesus & in the Word in the past month. I opened up my notebook on Sunday at church to find it hadn't been touched since the Wednesday of the week before. 
My glorious little world is unravelling and my peace wont be found in me putting it back together. 
Because when times are chaotic I cling to my self-sufficiency, I cling to myself - not to my Savior. 

I'm beginning to understand the refining process.
It's a little painstaking. It requires a lot of pride swallowing & mouth closing.
But sanctification of the believer was never promised to be easy. And yet we shake our fists and hide from God the moment life gets chaotic and we lose control.

I've told myself that if I can get through the next few weeks I will reach peace. 
But that isn't true unless my peace is found in Jesus - not in the fact that I got all my crap done. 
Not if I can redecorate our home perfectly before the baby comes. 
Not if we can have the best first anniversary ever. 
Not if I can appear to be superwoman on the outside. 

I did not intend this post to be a confessional on the mess I've created in the past couple weeks. 
But maybe this will help someone else who is living in chaos. 
Hopefully it will bring some glory to Jesus - that would be good too. 

"All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:27-30

Rest for my soul.
I dont think I've ever found soul-rest in anything Ive accomplished.
Excuse me while I go and rest.
I believe its possible in the midst of my temporal chaos to find it.
It will take a heart change for me. 
A letting go of the crap that I crowd my life with. Or at least some of it. 
I'll be back soon and let you know how all of this is going. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

24 weeks! Grateful.

It's been hard to get a good belly shot lately...but here you can see little man is taking up a lot of room!

How far along? 24 weeks! 24 weeks means baby boy is viable for life outside the womb. If he was born tomorrow he would have a tough road ahead but he has a chance of surviving, which is amazing.

Baby size? About the size of a canteloupe! He is a foot long and now weighs over a pound.

What's he up to in there? Baby is kicking quite a bit. I woke up to him tossing and turning this morning! His lungs are completing their development in the next couple weeks and his taste buds are formed to the point that he can taste what I eat.

Total Weight Gain: 13 pounds. Haven't checked since my last dr appointment...but I have one this week so well find out.

Maternity clothes? Do other clothes exist? It's hard to remember life before this large, round midsection took over.

Stretch marks? Yes. And they are purple. It makes me a little sad, but its not like I went around showing my non pregnant belly anyways...

Sleep: The strange dreams continue, and baby is starting to show up in them. This week the baby was taken by my family because I somehow missed the first 6 months of his life. Also, Seth was a pro hockey player this week too. Weird I tell you, so very weird.

Best Moment: This past week we were told we had to move out in less than two months. As devastating and shocking as that was, we were able to find something fairly quickly that is better than we could ever imagine. A big thank you to everyone who was encouraging and praying for us. All of the kind words motivated me to not sulk in misery, but kick my butt into high gear and find something that would fit us. The real trick was finding a place that would let us keep our precious kitty. We are going to be living in a much different part of town, but it is more centrally located, within walking distance to restaurants and shops, and in our new place we will have real cabinets & storage, a patio, a pool, and a bedroom with a door. It will be so much more functional for us!

We start the moving process on September 9th, so for all you local friends...we'll be hitting you up. This mama to be cant move a whole lot of heavy stuff! 

The best moment this week was having our application for the apartment go through and getting to celebrate with Seth. Later at home we just kept saying "man, God is so awesome"....I think that is the resounding phrase of the last 6 months of our lives.

Miss anything? Some days I miss just being a normal face in the crowd. Pregnancy attracts so many looks and stares and special treatment. Not all good, might I add. I'm learning that showing off a pregnant belly used to be a big no-no, so when old people are busy staring to see if I have a wedding ring on, they are also glaring at how much my shirt hugs my belly because its immodest in their eyes. We live in a strange world.

Movement? Oh yes. I love it. It's kind of love hate though...because I love when I feel him, but I freak out a little when I don't for a while and then I jump to crazy conclusions. Good thing little man likes when I eat hot food, I can always count on him squirming around after I eat something warm!
Cravings: cheeseburgers.
This week someone posted a picture on Instagram and all of the sudden I needed to have it right now. Like, 5 minutes ago actually. Seth obliged and we soon left to eat 5 guys, but right as we got our food I got the text saying we were needing to move out....and the burger was not enjoyed in the slightest. I actually cried my way through eating it. 

And yes, you read that right. Our notice was delivered by text. Classy.
I digress.

Queasy/sick? I've been heartburn free for a few days...woo hoo!

Gender? Little man. I know a ton of pregnant ladies who are having girls, so I'm super excited to be having a boy. The outfits are so cute, I bought his going home outfit this week....complete with stripes and little airplanes. 

Also, note Seth's shirt in this photo from my birthday....

And then note this onesie I bought for our little man the next day... I can't handle all of the cuteness that will be oozing when father and son match.

Labor signs? Nope. Baby boy has moved up in my belly, presumably because he's growing and stretching.

Belly button? Definitely on its way out. Not full outty yet, that will be strange.

Wedding rings on/off? On! But at certain times of the day they are rather tight...

Mood? More emotional roller coasters. But, Seth keeps me laughing most of the time!

Looking Forward to: moving and putting together the nursery, the space I had planned for him will be a little different...but I'm sure our new place will have the perfect little corner for him. Especially since the prints and other wall decor started to arrive...

Also, I've been yarn bombing things lately...

Seth and I are in Tahoe for the weekend. A mini baby-moon if you will. 
We have a lot coming up in the next few weeks.

I'm going away to Portland to visit my beasties, and shop for wedding dresses with Melissa!

Our 1 year anniversary is fast approaching, too. I honestly can't believe how fast the past year has gone. 

I'm trying to decide when maternity leave will start, work is getting harder for me with a long commute and a emotionally draining work load. I don't want to bow out early, but I'm thinking the second week of October would be ideal - especially after moving I will be extra tired. I also just want some time to myself before the baby comes and changes everything. Not that I'm not looking forward to him being here, but life is about to drastically change so it will be nice to have some me-time.

All of that being said, this pregnancy is going by super fast! 
Until next time...

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Some Tough Stuff.

On Sunday night we got some tough news.
Our landlord is selling the property that we live on.
And we have to be gone by September 30th.
We are moving.

I will be 31 weeks pregnant.
Seth will be back in school.
Neither of us will be working full time -- we don't have the time, energy, or money to move right now.

It's funny, the sense of humor God has in this.
I was literally thinking on Sunday afternoon about how content I was.
Happy with where we were at.
Happy with what God had brought us through - almost like He was rewarding us for getting through the first year of marriage with our heads still screwed on straight.
I will never allow myself to have that thought again if this is what comes next.

We L-O-V-E where we live. It is the perfect place for us right now, and it has been one of the greatest blessings in this past year. It fell into our laps, too. Friend of the family rents it out for cheap. Rent includes ALL utilities, internet, and cable. Comparable places in the area cost at least $500 more per month without utilities.
This place is our home. We have made it our home in the past year and now it just feels like we're being robbed. Even though it was month to month and this could have happened at any time I feel like I never saw it coming.
The reality is that Seth will be in school in Gilroy until May 2014. We can't really sign a 1-year lease knowing he might get a job in a different part of the state after he graduates.

The rest of the night was spent mostly in silence.
I discouragedly looked through the listings on Craigslist that match our criteria. There are 3 listings total that match - and two of them are senior housing. The other, well it's in the mountains 30 minutes from the closest town.
Seth and I looking at each other with blank stares. Scrolling through Facebook posts just to avoid reality. Attempting to watch our favorite comedy show and not even being able to laugh.

We're still at a loss.
We need prayer. We need help.
I'm having trouble not being mad at God. I trust Him provide but I'm scared. I feel helpless. I don't like the unknown. The unknown was a lot less scary when we didn't have bills to pay and a baby on the way. I feel like screaming, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?"
We have less than 2 months to pick up and move all of our things. Not to mention make room for a baby.
I just started planning the babies area. What I was going to put on the wall, and the mini crib that would fit so perfectly in the space -- I feel like every single plan I have made or put into my head must now be put on hold.
I will be taking lots of pictures - making sure we always remember this place we have called home for the past year. Pictures of how we've grown into this place, rearranged it to make it extra homey - extra us.

We have no idea where we're going to live.
I will promise to look on the bright side. I will look forward to all the things that are possible in a new home...how it might bring us a:
kitchen cabinets
closet that we don't have to bend over in
bedroom with a door
carpet (having all hard wood floors has me dreaming about sweet sweet carpet)

I'll move on. We will get through this.
Just writing this all out has helped me to process already.
I will do my best to enjoy the three vacations I have planned in the next month...because that is honestly the only thing I can possibly look forward to right now.

Pray for us as we work through this challenging season of life.
Pray that we trust God's plan.
Pray that we cling to Him first, and to each other second.
Force me to say yes when help is offered.
Help me not be discouraged.