Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Rewriting the Past

In recent media there have been so many videos, articles, and projects aimed at changing the way society see's womens bodies. I appreciate all of them. I share the ones that hits home the most. But positive self talk and redifining the status quo of beauty only go so far. In my heart, at the end of the day, the evil words that people have spoken about my body since I was young still ring in my ears. I go over the scenes in my head. I hear the exact phrases. I remember the emotions -- I still feel those emotions. I repeat the names of those who said them in my head. I wonder where they are, who they are today, and if they remember how much they hurt me -- if they know that those words are still hurting me.

In working through these issues in the past couple of months I've learned a few things. I've let my self worth be defined by what people think of me. I work so hard to protect being right, being liked, and to make sure people don't have a bad thing to say about me. I've been taught to tie my worth to an opinion that someone else holds. It's totally crazy and ridiculous to think this way...but it's the only truth I know. It's a time consuming life-sucking way to carry out my days. 

It's time to rewrite my past. To go back and change those heavy emotions. To tell "little Jamie" that she is beautiful, strong, smart, and that she doesn't have to waste her time making sure everyone else likes her. It's time to come out of the shadows, to stop being ashamed, to stop hiding. Revisiting each of those memories is so hard, but bringing out the heaviest ones will lighten my load. I want to rewrite the story of the sad girl whos been hiding, hiding from a world she's afraid she will dissapoint by just being herself. Right now I don't know what this looks like in a practical sense, but I have hope that better times are just around the corner.

I was reminded yesterday that God has given ME a NEW name. My new name is Beloved Child, Redeemed, Cherished -- Worth Dying For. My name is not Fat, Ugly, Chubby, or Big. These still open wounds from the past are the same wounds that Christ bore -- they are what Christ came to die for and free us from.

One of the biggest lessons I want to teach Felix is about the power of his tongue. I want him to understand that so much pain can be caused by his words.

Sorry for the heavy topic today. Sometimes you just need to be open, honest, and real about what's really going on behind the smiling baby photos and the adventures of our family. But, just for fun. Here's a photo of my sweet boy to end this post.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Felix Alexander: 7 months

Dear Felix,
Today you are 7 months old.
You are such a big boy! I think you're close to 19.5 or 20 pounds.

You eat and enjoy solid food now -- with no clear favorite though. You eat most things that we try out!
You are all BOY. Messy, loud, and rough.
You hit and grab everything (obviously with no ill intent).
You mostly grab faces and hair, and I am your primary target, go figure. 

You have so much personality. 
You are very interactive with people, you love to make new sounds, and you're still as happy as can be. 
You imitate sounds that people make at you, but Grandma is the best. When she fake coughs at you you almost always fake cough back, it is the cutest thing. 
Lots of things make you laugh. Recently we discovered bouncing, flying, and turning you upside down make you giggle so much. I love that you are finally at the age where I can toss you around a bit!
And you are ticklish. I love tickling your little underarms and belly. 

You are not crawling quite yet, I am in no rush for you to start that!
I wouldn't call you lazy, but you don't seem to be in any rush to move. 
I hope we can move into a bigger place when you start moving fast, baby proofing our current home would be a nightmare!

I wrote this post on the morning of July 7th, when you had no interest in crawling, but last night you starting doing just that. We are amazed and love watching you learn this new skill. 
I am also terrified, because we weren't planning on having to baby proof this apartment. 

You really are a Turkey.
It's the only way to describe you, my little Turkey boy. 
You bring more joy into my life than I've ever known.
What was life like without you? I don't think I care to remember. 

You sit up like a pro. No more bath seat for you. 
You started sleeping on your belly for naps. I think it's helping extend them a little longer, and it makes you settle down faster. 
You love going in the pool, though it tires you out pretty fast. I'm thinking you would really enjoy some swimming lessons. 

You are growing your first tooth. It hasn't broken through yet but you are chewing on everything for relief. 
You now feed yourself most of your bottles. You squirm so much in my arms when I try to hold and feed you, so finally I sat you on the ground and handed you the bottle and you started doing it yourself!

Sometimes I can't believe we have you as our baby. You're incredible. 
So happy. So cute. So much fun.
So easy, most of the time. 

These past 7 months have gone by in a blink.
Your Dad and I love watching you grow and learn. 
This week you learned how to clap. I never thought I could get so excited about coordination!

Speaking of your Dad,
You love Him. He can always make you smile. 
You watch him with great intent. You turn around when he talks, even if he's not talking to you. 
I love to see your growing relationship with him.
I'm so excited for all of the cool things he's going to teach you. 

You are a ham.
A ham AND a turkey. 
How can that be?

But seriously Felix,
You are so incredibly loved.
It's crazy to me that God delights in you even MORE than I do. 
Happy 7 months, my boy.
Here's to hundreds more months with you.