The Lovie Story

The first thing I bought for Felix was this small lovie blanket.

It has whales in different colors and is a very soft material.

I was only 20 weeks pregnant, and at a birth and baby show feeling completely overwhelmed by everything I saw around me.

Breastpumps, carriers, swings, strollers, food, toys...I really had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

The intimidation that first time parents feel before their baby arrives is huge. 

But, when I saw this little lovie blanket, I knew that whoever this little boy was inside of me, he needed it. 

It was my first gift to my boy. 

It was special. 

Special because of how special I knew he was, and because the bond between a mother and her unborn baby is inexplicably special. 

Maybe it's the official acknowledgement of your love and care for them. It may have been my first realization of many, that "OMG I'm actually having a baby." I had a lot of those moments throughout my pregnancy -- and here he is almost 6 months old and I still think "OMG, I actually have a 6 month old".

Maybe it's all of those emotions swimming around inside of your heart that makes every small event having to do with your unborn child extra sweet and gushy and teary. But that lovie was safely placed by his crib until the day he was born. I never put it away anywhere that I could forget about (that happens all too often), it's like it was my special reminder that my sweet little boy would soon be here.

I waited patiently for Felix to be old enough to acknowledge this little lovie. You have to wait until he is grasping and noticing things like that. And of course you hear what the proverbial "they" say in the back of your mind, "nothing in the crib but the baby"... but sometimes mothers intuition trumps "they". Felix slept swaddled at every nap and through the night until he was about 5 months old. He was much too busy to have the freedom of movement of his arms! I still kept the lovie close to him, though -- still waiting for the right time.

When the sleep regression hit and my sanity flew out the window with it, I was left searching for options on how to get my poor child to sleep again. We started with a new wombie swaddle blanket, which keeps him zipped up tight, with one arm out and one arm in. We took the pacifier away, probably the best decision we ever made. After we took it, he was magically able to fall asleep on his own. And finally, we gave him that lovie blanket to hold, rub, and wave around as he fell asleep.

This was before the woombie blanket arrived and we took the paci! 

And just like that, Felix fell in love with his lovie. He has an impossible time falling asleep without it. He squirms and screams when I lay him down for a nap but as soon as he feels his lovie in his hand or on his cheek, he calms down and closes his eyes. Half of the time he ends up with it covering his face, and I promptly remove it and put it in the crook of his arm.

Yesterday I learned the hard way not to wash the lovie before nap time. When I transferred the load into the dryer the lovie got left behind in the washing machine, and then the unthinkable happened -- the dryer broke. There was no way I was sending him for a nap with a wet blanket. 

Well as you can imagine, nap time was a nightmare. 

He actually wouldn't sleep at all without the darn thing.

Have I created a lovie monster?

Maybe. 

Thank goodness the wind was able to dry his lovie before bedtime, or else it may have been war. 

When he wakes up like this, happy as can be, I'm reminded of the journey we've been on.

From entering the scary world of babies and all the gear they come with, to having a thriving, happy 6 month old boy.

I'm reminded of how God meets us when we are at our weakest, and gives us something beautiful. He gives us something hard so He can give us strength. He walks us through the wilderness so we can see the joy that He has purposed for us. 

I'm so thankful for this special little boy. 

Bedtime wars and all.

Exciting Uncertainty

It's been a quiet few months around here. I've been processing a lot of hard things emotionally, and I have a few unfinished, unedited blog posts that will probably never leave the "draft" box. My heart has been heavy with a lot of anger, confusion, and sadness -- some might call it mommy blues, some might say it's depression, I just think of it as a season where I'm trying to figure out where God is in my "new" life. 

Motherhood has been incredibly isolating so far. Yes, the online communities like Baby Center and Instagram exist -- but the physical, face-to-face interactions are lacking. I have always thought of myself as an introvert, but I have found myself aching for more adult interaction. Without a place to vent and share I have found myself to be harboring a ton of negativity and anger. I've been angry that people made empty promises. I've been angry at the cat, for whatever reason when Felix was born my brain decided to be irritated with her all the time. I've been angry at our living situation, because I'm starting to feel cramped and some days I wish we didn't live so far south away from people. I've been angry at our church, for various situations -- which hasn't helped me find God any more swiftly. I really hate the phrase "just give it to God", because it is oh so easy to say, and oh so impossible to do. But I know that what I must do, it's to stop giving these things so much energy and to let God take care of my heart instead. My heart has been ruled by my anger and frustration and I'm ready, I think, to shake off the cobwebs and be renewed again. 

We are about to enter a season of exciting uncertainty. Seth graduates in two days and soon after he will be taking exams which, when passed, he will be able to secure a job. I'm excited about the possibilities of where we might land. Of course it depends on where he applies, but I'm actually excited to move out of Gilroy and see where God puts us. I'm nervous too, about his pay, and his health insurance, and having to be fully financially independent again. We have been so well taken care of by his family while he has been in school, and we are incredibly grateful for that.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for what this new season has, uncertain as it may be. We have our beautiful boy, who is changing and growing every day, and a God who cares, and has a great plan for us. I've been thinking about a new blog name to reflect this season, and to really reflect the way that our lives together have shaped up so far. We'll see when I have time/energy to mae that change happen! 

Until then, here is a little Felix update:

We decided to take away the pacifier and it changed our lives. Felix now sleeps and naps on his own with minimal fussing. He learned how to roll over and is now working on sitting up. We are still undecided about the MRI scan, currently our thought is that if he will need it at some point, than we should do it now while it only costs $50 copay and we don't know what our insurance will be like in a few months. He has a modeling interview tomorrow in San Francisco, my thought it is that it would be a great way to start a college fund and to try something fun and new. I'll leave you with this sweet cheesy portrait of him for now!

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Jamie