Monday, May 13, 2013

What Being Pregnant Has Taught Me (So Far)

I bet when I told you we had a surprise last week me being pregnant wasn't what you expected.

It's not really what we expected either, to be quite honest. 6 months ago if you asked where I'd be right now I would never have said pregnant. Happy, yes. Working, yes. Still in love with my husband, yes.

But here's what I know about expectations, God doesn't care about our expectations. He doesn't care about our schedule, our timeline, our 5 year plan, heck even our 1 WEEK plan. That isn't to say that God doesn't care about His children, their hearts, their souls. It means that He has the final say in planning anything, He holds the keys to the clock of life. He laughs at our plans. And in love He says, "Just wait, I have something way, WAY better."

Ok so if you haven't gotten the memo yet, this baby is a surprise. A surprise that sent me into a shaking, tearful, confused mess that called my sweet husband on a Wednesday morning saying..."Seth, you need to come home. I'm pregnant." 

A surprise that we didn't see coming, yet we are now so excited about. A surprise that we still can't quite wrap our heads around. A surprise that makes me say "God, what the heck do you have planned here?"

A painful surprise too. If you're wondering how I was clued into to thinking I might be pregnant, it was pain. A three week long ache, and then the day after we found out we were pregnant I ended up in the ER with immense pain. Baby was fine, mama is fine, my body however decided to take all of the first trimester symtoms and squish them into a few short weeks. BUT, I've been pain and nausea free since week 6. How crazy is that?! I'm sure you've all heard about fun pregnancy symptoms before so I will spare you the details.

The next 6.5 months will be a journey. A lot of growing, a lot of tears, a lot of excitement, and possibly  probably some fears. We're excited, and I'm terrified. But in that, I have overwhelming amounts of peace.

What have I learned so far?
That God really, truly, completely, wholly is in control. If I or Seth had any say in our current future, this wouldn't have happened right now.
But in that same God I have complete, whole, true, and real trust.
Trust in His timing, first of all. Trust in His goodness, kindness, and love. Trust in His protection, in His empathy, and His care.

I've learned that I'm a really terrible secret keeper, also. If you were part of the million people that we told before we were "supposed" to...thanks for helping us keep our secret.

I've learned that this journey will be one where I may finally learn about humility. My love for this little turkey will outweigh my love for myself. It already does. And to add to that, I can't place my worth, my pride, my anything in the way that I look -- I know that this beautiful little life I have growing inside of me will forever change my body. While that is daunting right now and I am leaning on my selfish feelings about beauty, that will change. I am confident in Gods ability to change hearts and selfish feelings. If He can bring the dead back to life He can certainly stomp on my pride, happily.

This journey is also about grace. Without grace none of us would be alive. Without grace Seth and I would probably bite each other's heads off. Without grace I wouldn't even have the chance of being a good mama. Because of grace, and only because of grace can we love, serve, learn, and grow. My favorite part of grace is that it's free. I haven't earned it, I don't deserve it, it's totally free. I appreciate it more now thinking of all the ridiculous mistakes Seth and I will make as new parents. And I'm thankful that His grace is new every second of every hour of every day.

I'm enjoying all of these feelings for now. Taking them all in and dwelling on how special this journey has been so far. Reflecting on Seth, how much he cares for me and little one and how amazing of a dad he will be. Reflecting on our friends and family, and what an awesome support system we have. Reflecting on the special moments we've had so far, like hearing the heart beat for the first time, and today getting to see little one kick and turn on the screen.

I'm so excited. So many of my friends over the years have referred to me as "mama" and now I get to have that as a reality.
We're so excited. Mostly to watch God's plan unfold in our lives, each day is fresh never knowing what God has around the corner.

We want to say THANK YOU. The utter out-pouring of love from people is remarkable and overwhelming.

THANK YOU -- for believing in us, or at least for believing in the One who holds us. As newlyweds who still are in school, who are trusting Jesus paycheck to paycheck, who are still just trying to figure out what being an adult is you might be thinking..."but they don't know what the heck they are getting themselves into."

We don't.
But He does.
I've said it a million times and here I go again. We trust Jesus with what He is doing.
There are some things I doubt -- but that is not one of them!

Now that our secret is out I'll be back around here more often. I promise not only to blog about baby, or belly rather. Trust me, my belly size and weight gain I'm not really interested in tracking right now.

Also, GO SHARKS! Clearly we're getting little one started young on the necessity of Sharks fan-hood.