Felix Alexander: One Month

Dear Felix,

You are one month old.
You are 10 pounds and 3 ounces.
Your head is in the 97th percentile - that is crazy big.
The rest of you is growing pretty well too, in about the 70th percentile. 

You are quite the baby. 

In the past month your Dad and I have learned so much more than we ever thought possible about poop, pee, formula, bottles, and other baby bodily functions. 

We have finally settled on a formula for you. It is the fourth kind, but your tummy seems the least upset by this one. 

Speaking of formula, that stuff is expensive. Dang. I'm thinking about becoming an extreme couponer just to save some money. 

Speaking of eating, you are eating like a beast. In just over a week you have moved from 2.5oz per feeding to 4oz per feeding. You are quickly out growing all of your newborn clothes. 

Your nicknames have expanded quite a bit. We call you:

Dude, Little Dude, Bubs, Sir, Mister & Munch

Right now your favorite thing to do is pee on your parents. Yep, you do that just about every diaper change. 

You also like to blow bubbles from your sweet little lips.
You smell like heaven on earth. Oh man, newborn smell is something else.

When you're awake you like to flail your arms and legs all over the place, it's almost like you're making sure they are still there. 

You fall asleep very easily when your in your car seat going somewhere, so Mom and Dad don't mind taking you on walks or drives. 

You are starting to make more noises.

Yesterday your started cooing. It is awful cute. 

I look forward to your first words. 

You have a love/hate relationship with bath time.

We love it though. After a bath you sleep over 6 hours. 

We also like the way your hair is super fuzzy after a bath.

You also are awake a lot more during the day, I look forward to the days when you play with toys and laugh. I know they are coming soon and I can't wait!

You snore just like your Dad. But that's ok, it actually is better for your worrying mama who always is afraid you will stop breathing in your sleep. I can hear you breathing from the other room, always. 

You are also quite gassy.  Your Dad may have given you that lovely quality, because it's certainly not from me. I've heard the gassiness does pass, with time. Heh, heh. 

Speaking of gas, you F-U-S-S when you have gas. And you have gas after most feedings, so fuss is what you do all day. During that time we call you Mr. Fuss or Fussypants. 

You recognize your Mama's voice and face. I love the way you look at me.

You are startled easily by loud noise, yet you need some type of noise on to help you fall asleep.

Speaking of sleep, you are sleeping 6 hour stretches at night. THANK YOU! As if we didn't love you already, your sleep habits make it that much easier. 

You sure are C-U-T-E. 

Everyone tells us you look like a little old man, that your face is so adult like. We tend to agree. You never really looked like a newborn. 

Strangers tell us you look like your Dad. Family and friends tell us they can't really tell. We don't really know who you look like yet either! I'm sure that will change over time. 

Either way, we are captivated by you. 

Your parents are still getting the hang of everything. 

Sometimes we still give each other looks of panic when we can't figure out why you're crying.
But, we watched a pretty amazing video about understanding baby "language", or your cries. We feel like we have a much better handle on what your needs are.
The other night your Dad was in the other room and I was trying to sooth you, he said " I think he needs to burp." So, I picked you up and put you on my shoulder and you let out the loudest burp I had ever heard from you! Apparently Dad paid better attention during that video!

We took you to our church for the first time this past weekend, and you fussed the whole time. That's ok, we're lucky they record the sermons for us to listen to later!
We also took you to neighborhood group, you did really well! We kept you in the car seat the whole time and rocked you back and forth which kept you asleep for almost 3 hours.
If you had a favorite song I'm convinced it would be "Mama, Rock Me"....because you just loved to be rocked all day long!

Your Grandma comes and babysits you every week for a couple hours so your parents make sure to get some alone time. 

Alone time with each other makes us remember we're still a couple, and that we were a couple long before you got here! Our relationship definitely takes a little more work these days, but staying in love is at the top of our priority list. 

We realize that one of the best ways we can show you how to love, is to show you how much we love each other.

Oh Felix, what can I say?

You have turned our world upside down in the best way possible. 

I love your little life. 

I love that your name means "lucky". We are so lucky to have you. 

I can already tell how quickly time is going to by, time is a jerk like that. 

You're the greatest little baby we could ask for.

And, we love you somethin fierce. 

From the Heart of a New Mama

Warning: This post may be a little TMI for my male readers. Proceed with caution. 

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For a moment, our house is peacefully quiet.

Felix snores away in his rocker, Seth sits at his desk, and I sit on the couch turned baby station wondering what I can accomplish before he wakes up again. 

The Christmas tree is all dried out. Who has time to water a Christmas tree when you have a newborn? 

The laundry is done, but it will probably be three days before I pull it out of the dryer. 

We have no food in the fridge, just things in the freezer I forgot to defrost earlier so takeout it is. 

I think about how comfortable I am to be back at home. Three weeks ago we would be happy to stay at our parents houses for as many days as possible, but now I yearn to be back at home in our comfortable place the moment I walk out the door. 

I think about what I could be doing between pumping, feeding, doing research about lack of breast milk supply, mixing formula, and of course writing this all down so I don't forget how much I fed him 3 hours ago. 

I try not to think about the bitter condition of my heart. How can I manage to be bitter when I have this peaceful, adorable bundle of joy in front of me? Don't worry, I think again, the bitterness is dying away with each passing day. 

Each new day I make peace with the fact that I will not be able to exclusively breastfeed this baby because of a condition called IGT, which I am just now finding out about. 

Every book about breastfeeding, every lactation consultant, every midwife, every OB/GYN will tell you that any and every woman can breastfeed their child. Yes, with enough pumping, latching, herbal supplement taking, tea drinking, hydrating, eating, and stimulating you will not have a production issue. Well, there I was at 2 weeks postpartum with enough breast milk to maybe feed a baby squirrel. Maybe. But honestly, I produce about 1/4 ounce between both sides. 

"Oh, you must not be drinking enough water."

"Have you tried to drink beer?"

"What about oatmeal?"

"Mothers milk tea?"

"Are you pumping?"

"Are you eating enough?"

I can check every box...and then some. 

Google is a very good thing. Google led me to find out about a very little known condition called IGT (insufficient glandular tissue) or mammary hypoplasia. Now, usually I'm not all for self diagnosing. But I was pretty much diagnosed by the first lactation consultant I saw in the hospital -- she just didn't tell me the gravity of what it meant for me and Felix, or that this condition had a name. 

At first glance at my well...chest, she had a concerned look on her face. Seeing that I had just given birth a few hours earlier and hearing about the trauma that ensued, she asked me two very direct questions without trying to seem harsh. 

"Did your breasts grow in puberty?"

"Did your breasts grow while you were pregnant?"

The embarrassment crept in immediately. 

No. And, No. 

"Well, you may have a production issue here..but let's see what happens." 

Let's be real here. I've always been well aware of my flat-ness, but to have her call it out to my face was tough. I have known my entire life that I was different in that department, and I have made it in to a joke to mask the pain and shame I feel about it. 

The lactation consultant didn't say anything past that so I figured everything would be fine, or someone would say something further. I was also made aware that because of my hemorrhage I would likely have my milk come in later. A bit of a double whammy if you ask me. 

At about the two week mark I started having suspicions that my hemorrhage wasn't the only thing to blame for my supply issues. I was pumping regularly and barely getting anything, and I could just feel that I wasn't making very much. I came across IGT on a search for help with low supply and the two main indicators were the exact two questions that the first LC I saw asked me: lack of growth in puberty & lack of growth in pregnancy. There are a few indicators that also match right up, not to mention the photos which made it obvious that this is what I am dealing with. 

This diagnosis is the only thing that makes sense for me. All of the indicators and symptoms match up perfectly. What the lactation suspected on Felix's first day of life was true, and maybe she was trying to protect me by not putting a name on it right away. Maybe she was hopeful. Maybe she just didn't want to be the bearer of heartbreaking news. 

So, here I am...a medical anomaly, at least as far as breastfeeding goes. The websites that exist to support women with IGT say that there must be a mourning process for the mom, I must give myself space and time to mourn that I won't be able to exclusively breastfeed Felix. There is a chance that I will be able to with future children though, as each pregnancy creates more breast tissue to work with. 

I know I'm not a failure as a mother, or as a woman. 

This was God's plan for me, for us. 

I will continue to breastfeed him and supplement as needed, at least for now.

I will continue to praise God for this little miracle we have. 

Thanks to everyone who has encouraged me in this journey so far, it means so much. 

That Pregnancy Update Post I Know You've Been Waiting For: 15 weeks

It's time. I know after first baby comes I probably won't have the time or energy to devote to posts like these so here I go...documenting this little life growing in my belly :)

Here I am at week 15...and 3 days?

I know, I'm showing a lot more than I thought with my first baby too.
I blame a really short waist. I mean seriously short. And a small lipoma (fatty tumor) I have growing above my bellybutton. Either way, I look really pregnant. And I really can't hide it anymore.

How far along? 15 weeks 4 days

Baby size? An apple!

Total Weight Gain: hahahaha....yea let's just say I'll never talk about that on here.

Maternity clothes? Oh yes. I bought maternity jeans at week 10 and never looked back.

Stretch marks? None yet!

Sleep: Up until this week I have been sleeping really well. This week has been difficult. Waking up a lot, not being able to get comfortable, crazy dreams...I think it's just going to get worse from here.

Best Moment: Seth telling me I didn't look pregnant..and that I just looked amazing. That was only last week. I love him.

Miss anything? Beer, wine, hookah, rare steak.....*sigh*

Movement? No. I have an anterior placenta so chances are I won't feel anything for a while. Kind of sad, and definitely nerve wracking!

Cravings: Burritos, cereal, bubble tea. Nothing too crazy, right?

Queasy/sick? No. Smells are still bothering me quite a bit but it's more annoying than sickening.

Starting to show? Yes. Oh yes. I've been asked if I'm having twins.....and no, as of right now there is only 1 baby in there!

Gender? early NT scan showed some boy parts but we will have that confirmed in a few weeks. I. CANT. WAIT.

Labor signs? No. Thank goodness, no.

Belly button? Still full inny. No real changes yet.

Wedding rings on/off? On. Happily on! It will be a sad day to have to part with these babies!

Mood? Happy Happy Happy!

Looking Forward to...finding out gender and feeling movement!

Names? We're talkin. We probably won't be sharing super publicly before hand...we have to keep some things a surprise.

Tonight we're at home watching "The Business of Being Born" after I had a 12 hour work day. Seth made dinner, and dessert...and is pretty much the best husband I could ever dream up. He has beyond amazing this far and I couldn't be more thankful.

I'm looking forward to starting on this journey and documenting all of the fun, exciting, and terrifying things that go along with pregnancy!

Until next week...