Diary of a Recovering Nail Picker and Biter

These days I'm all about transparency. Maybe it's part of becoming an adult, but I've become a lot more open and honest about my serious struggle with skin picking and nail biting.

And lets be real, its kinda awkward to talk about it so let's just get it out in the open.

Who really knows when a habit truly begins? I've been biting and picking since I can remember, but it's been getting progressively worse the last couple years and it made me worry.  Made me worry about my health, the way I am perceived, my work...so many things.

It's mostly caused by anxiety. My body fights back when I am stressed or anxious and my easiest way to mentally escape is picking.

I've blogged a couple times about my intentions to quit. Those intentions were good ones, but they didn't include any plan of action.  And truly, I'm not certain any plan of my own would have worked.

What I'm excited to tell you about isn't a cure, but progress. Progress that's super exciting.

Now obviously, Seth has always wanted me to quit and was supportive of anything I tried. So I thought that a good cut off day would be September 7, 2012. It has been my goal to stop by that date, no matter what it took, no matter what crazy measure I had to go to.

In the past few months I've visited forums, websites, tried no-bite nail solution, tried getting manicures, tried sitting on my hands, tried taking deep breaths.....I could go on. But one night, I was sitting watching TV and picking away at something and finally realized that this was beyond me and I needed real help.

So in the beginning of July I started seeing a CBT, or someone that specializes in these kinds of obsessive compulsive sensory disorders.  It sounds crazy right? A therapist for nail biting? When the problem starts affecting your daily life, then you get outside help -- it just makes sense.

So here is what has worked tremendously so far:
1. Bright, BRIGHT nail polish to trick my eyes into paying closer attention to what I'm doing. I pick SO often that I don't even know I'm doing it, and the bright nail polish actually does make me stop more often and see what I'm doing.  I first argued and said that I suck at doing nail polish, but I've gotten better at it and I am enjoying wearing nail polish again.

2. Wearing gloves while I drive, watch movies, sit alone in my room, sit alone practically anywhere -- those are my biggest struggle areas.  This one was the hardest for me to swallow, wearing freakin' winter gloves while I do everyday life. BUT, after the first three days I was totally convinced that it worked.

3. Having a bag of goodies to help me at all times: Neosporin, bandaids, medical tape, lipgloss, nail polish, top coat, and now my cool little stress balls. This bag is constantly in my purse so I have access to it all the time. I can now simultaneously drive and put on a bandaid, watch out.

4. Stress toys. My CBT referred me to this awesomely cheap website called officeplayground.com where they have cheap nonsense toys to play with mindlessly! Most of the time I pick or bite I am alone, bored and tired...so these little toys are perfect for me! I am keeping one in my purse, one at my bedside, and two in my car....just in case.

my personal favorite egg ball

After a month, I am seeing a lot of progress.

Sometimes I get discouraged because I get overwhelmed with anxiety about something and I find myself mindlessly picking.  But progress cannot be overlooked and I am still encouraged.

Dearest friends and family,

Thanks for not being embarrassed when I drive you around or go the movies with you and I have gloves on.  

Thanks for supporting me in recovering from a sometimes life-controlling habit.

You guys rock.

{thankful} For My Motorcycle Man

Motorcycles (and other fast moving objects) are sort of Seth's speciality, I've known this since day one. The day after our first date Seth took me to his work (a motorcycle shop) and made me try on helmets...oh how far we've come.

Over the years, I have had fears about Seth getting hurt on his motorcycle.  This isn't because he is a bad rider, but because drivers are dumb...especially in California. The likelihood of distracted drivers not seeing him is high...and I worry. 

Matthew 6:34  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I worry too much, but that is a post for another day. 

When Seth told me last week that he was going to a track day, I wasn't worried. It's actually safer for him to ride on a track than on the streets...but for some reason the fear crept in on Sunday night. 

The only conclusion that I can come to about my worrying is that I love Seth more than ever, and with our wedding getting close, I can't even begin to imagine my life without him -- so anything dangerous I'm naturally hesitant about!

It doesn't help either that I've been plagued with nightmares lately. Ever since I watched "Paranormal Activity 3" a few weeks ago I've had trouble sleeping, and major trouble with scary dreams.

I had a terrible nightmare on Sunday night that Seth died on the track. I woke up in a complete panic, and hardly slept the rest of the night. Monday morning rolls around, and I know that Seth left early for the track so I texted him as soon as I could and told him about the dream. 

He LOL'ed at me, and reassured me that he was indeed not dead. My plea every time he leaves is "don't die"...so I'm glad he caught on and told me that first thing. His next genious idea to get rid of my anxiousness about him riding was to invite me to the track for a couple hours...

So I went. 

I got off of work a little early to head to the track, which is a little over an hour away. I don't mind the drive when you get views like this...

When I pulled up and rolled down my window you could instantly hear the high pitched scream of the motorcycles...but I was actually pretty excited! (I had pumped myself up on the drive up)  The lady in the ticket booth told me to get my cheerleading outfit on, and to be honest I was more worried about his life than looking cute for my man...but maybe next time, babe. 

Seth happened to be on the track when I arrived, so I quickly ran out to the stands to see if I could identify him. You see, Seth's bike is easy to recognize.  It is named "Ronald Mcdonald" because of its bright yellow, red, and silver parts.  When I saw him whiz by me I almost cried, which is really embarrassing to admit, I must say.

He is second in from the left

I was giddy when I finally found him, sans bike. We got to watch the other groups race around the track for a while before he went back on the track.

The track is gorgeous -- set in the North Bay hills overlooking rolling mountains and wineries.  I wish I brought my camera up to my lookout spot!  After we watched the super fast group, I stayed for one more session of Seth's group, he and his friends were all in the same group and it was pretty neat to see them all out there together.  

Overall, I'm super glad that I went, even if it was only for a short while! I don't feel so scared about him going to track days, and I would love to go back again.  

The best part? 

I haven't had any nightmares since...and I am SO thankful for that.

But he is going dirt-biking today so I'll let you know what happens. 

xox