Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Exciting Uncertainty

It's been a quiet few months around here. I've been processing a lot of hard things emotionally, and I have a few unfinished, unedited blog posts that will probably never leave the "draft" box. My heart has been heavy with a lot of anger, confusion, and sadness -- some might call it mommy blues, some might say it's depression, I just think of it as a season where I'm trying to figure out where God is in my "new" life. 

Motherhood has been incredibly isolating so far. Yes, the online communities like Baby Center and Instagram exist -- but the physical, face-to-face interactions are lacking. I have always thought of myself as an introvert, but I have found myself aching for more adult interaction. Without a place to vent and share I have found myself to be harboring a ton of negativity and anger. I've been angry that people made empty promises. I've been angry at the cat, for whatever reason when Felix was born my brain decided to be irritated with her all the time. I've been angry at our living situation, because I'm starting to feel cramped and some days I wish we didn't live so far south away from people. I've been angry at our church, for various situations -- which hasn't helped me find God any more swiftly. I really hate the phrase "just give it to God", because it is oh so easy to say, and oh so impossible to do. But I know that what I must do, it's to stop giving these things so much energy and to let God take care of my heart instead. My heart has been ruled by my anger and frustration and I'm ready, I think, to shake off the cobwebs and be renewed again. 

We are about to enter a season of exciting uncertainty. Seth graduates in two days and soon after he will be taking exams which, when passed, he will be able to secure a job. I'm excited about the possibilities of where we might land. Of course it depends on where he applies, but I'm actually excited to move out of Gilroy and see where God puts us. I'm nervous too, about his pay, and his health insurance, and having to be fully financially independent again. We have been so well taken care of by his family while he has been in school, and we are incredibly grateful for that.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for what this new season has, uncertain as it may be. We have our beautiful boy, who is changing and growing every day, and a God who cares, and has a great plan for us. I've been thinking about a new blog name to reflect this season, and to really reflect the way that our lives together have shaped up so far. We'll see when I have time/energy to mae that change happen! 

Until then, here is a little Felix update:
We decided to take away the pacifier and it changed our lives. Felix now sleeps and naps on his own with minimal fussing. He learned how to roll over and is now working on sitting up. We are still undecided about the MRI scan, currently our thought is that if he will need it at some point, than we should do it now while it only costs $50 copay and we don't know what our insurance will be like in a few months. He has a modeling interview tomorrow in San Francisco, my thought it is that it would be a great way to start a college fund and to try something fun and new. I'll leave you with this sweet cheesy portrait of him for now!


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