From the Heart of a New Mama

Warning: This post may be a little TMI for my male readers. Proceed with caution. 

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For a moment, our house is peacefully quiet.

Felix snores away in his rocker, Seth sits at his desk, and I sit on the couch turned baby station wondering what I can accomplish before he wakes up again. 

The Christmas tree is all dried out. Who has time to water a Christmas tree when you have a newborn? 

The laundry is done, but it will probably be three days before I pull it out of the dryer. 

We have no food in the fridge, just things in the freezer I forgot to defrost earlier so takeout it is. 

I think about how comfortable I am to be back at home. Three weeks ago we would be happy to stay at our parents houses for as many days as possible, but now I yearn to be back at home in our comfortable place the moment I walk out the door. 

I think about what I could be doing between pumping, feeding, doing research about lack of breast milk supply, mixing formula, and of course writing this all down so I don't forget how much I fed him 3 hours ago. 

I try not to think about the bitter condition of my heart. How can I manage to be bitter when I have this peaceful, adorable bundle of joy in front of me? Don't worry, I think again, the bitterness is dying away with each passing day. 

Each new day I make peace with the fact that I will not be able to exclusively breastfeed this baby because of a condition called IGT, which I am just now finding out about. 

Every book about breastfeeding, every lactation consultant, every midwife, every OB/GYN will tell you that any and every woman can breastfeed their child. Yes, with enough pumping, latching, herbal supplement taking, tea drinking, hydrating, eating, and stimulating you will not have a production issue. Well, there I was at 2 weeks postpartum with enough breast milk to maybe feed a baby squirrel. Maybe. But honestly, I produce about 1/4 ounce between both sides. 

"Oh, you must not be drinking enough water."

"Have you tried to drink beer?"

"What about oatmeal?"

"Mothers milk tea?"

"Are you pumping?"

"Are you eating enough?"

I can check every box...and then some. 

Google is a very good thing. Google led me to find out about a very little known condition called IGT (insufficient glandular tissue) or mammary hypoplasia. Now, usually I'm not all for self diagnosing. But I was pretty much diagnosed by the first lactation consultant I saw in the hospital -- she just didn't tell me the gravity of what it meant for me and Felix, or that this condition had a name. 

At first glance at my well...chest, she had a concerned look on her face. Seeing that I had just given birth a few hours earlier and hearing about the trauma that ensued, she asked me two very direct questions without trying to seem harsh. 

"Did your breasts grow in puberty?"

"Did your breasts grow while you were pregnant?"

The embarrassment crept in immediately. 

No. And, No. 

"Well, you may have a production issue here..but let's see what happens." 

Let's be real here. I've always been well aware of my flat-ness, but to have her call it out to my face was tough. I have known my entire life that I was different in that department, and I have made it in to a joke to mask the pain and shame I feel about it. 

The lactation consultant didn't say anything past that so I figured everything would be fine, or someone would say something further. I was also made aware that because of my hemorrhage I would likely have my milk come in later. A bit of a double whammy if you ask me. 

At about the two week mark I started having suspicions that my hemorrhage wasn't the only thing to blame for my supply issues. I was pumping regularly and barely getting anything, and I could just feel that I wasn't making very much. I came across IGT on a search for help with low supply and the two main indicators were the exact two questions that the first LC I saw asked me: lack of growth in puberty & lack of growth in pregnancy. There are a few indicators that also match right up, not to mention the photos which made it obvious that this is what I am dealing with. 

This diagnosis is the only thing that makes sense for me. All of the indicators and symptoms match up perfectly. What the lactation suspected on Felix's first day of life was true, and maybe she was trying to protect me by not putting a name on it right away. Maybe she was hopeful. Maybe she just didn't want to be the bearer of heartbreaking news. 

So, here I am...a medical anomaly, at least as far as breastfeeding goes. The websites that exist to support women with IGT say that there must be a mourning process for the mom, I must give myself space and time to mourn that I won't be able to exclusively breastfeed Felix. There is a chance that I will be able to with future children though, as each pregnancy creates more breast tissue to work with. 

I know I'm not a failure as a mother, or as a woman. 

This was God's plan for me, for us. 

I will continue to breastfeed him and supplement as needed, at least for now.

I will continue to praise God for this little miracle we have. 

Thanks to everyone who has encouraged me in this journey so far, it means so much. 

38 weeks. 11 days till D-Day.

How far along? 38 weeks & 3 days.

Baby size? Felix is about the size of a head of celery. He weighs about 7.5 pounds at this point.

What's he up to in there? 
Rolling around and making mama uncomfortable.
Eating has become a chore, so is sitting up. Every time I try to sit straight up his fit go right into my ribs which is really uncomfortable!

Total Weight Gain?
35?
Not sure. They didn't tell me at my last appointment - hallelujah. One less thing to stress about.
That may have been why my blood pressure was so much lower than in the past -- they've stopped stressing me out about things I don't have a whole lot of control over!

Stretch marks? 
Yep.
I think I'll take up being a tiger in my spare time after baby gets here.

Sleep?
This week I'm sleepig surprisingly well.
I've been getting 8-9 hours every night and usually only have to get up once.
I'd say thats pretty dang spectacular.

Best Moment?
On Sunday my girlfriends from Garden City surprised me with a sweet time of prayer and fellowship.
They had printed out verses for me to put in a jar for when I need encouragement.
It was so sweet!
I love the women that Jesus has placed in my life.

Another great moment was when a woman shouted across the grocery store to me how beautiful I look. 

When you're super pregnant and wobbling awkwardly everywhere you go, those words are like sweet, sweet music to your ears. 

Miss anything?
Comfort in general.
This baby bump has gone from "cute" to gigantically enormously obnoxious in the past few weeks.

 Movement? 
Still lots of hiccups!
I wish this little man would move his way down and out soon! 

Cravings?

sweet stuff.
At the mere thought of chocolate, or cookies, or sugar my mouth starts to water.
I overheard the word shortbread in line at the post office today and hightailed it to the bakery afterwards.
I wish I was kidding about that last bit.

Queasy/sick? 
Just blech.
I feel stinky, tired, groggy, achy and...blech.

Gender? 
B-O-Y

Labor signs? 
Braxton hicks & some cramping...
but nothing consistent.

Belly button?  
It is still not fully out..and it seems to have moved lower which means baby has dropped -- woo!

Wedding rings on/off?

 Still off.
I miss them a lot. 

Mood?

I feel quiet. Most days I don't feel like making eye contact with people or creating conversation...not for any particular reason either, I guess I just don't feel very social. I'm hoping that is not the beginning of baby blues or a foreshadowing of PPD. PPD would be ironic because I cant think of anything that would make me happier than getting this baby out of me!

Looking forward to?
Meeting this baby!
Come on, dude...make your grand appearance already!

Anything else?
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A Space for Felix

 I'm so excited to share with y'all the nursery space that we have set up for Felix.

Most people assume that you can't do a whole lot with the space when you're sharing a room with your baby, but I'm going to prove them wrong.

It was a no-brainer that our nursery theme would be Winnie the Pooh. He's been my favorite forever, and he is classic and timeless. Not to mention there is so much nursery related Winnie the Pooh stuff available! I've also been an avid collector of antique Winnie the Pooh stuff for a few years no so everything fit together really smoothly.

Without being able to put paint on the walls or go completely overboard, my main thought was to do a collage wall and a decal of some sorts and then fill in the space around those two big items. It turned out that his space in our bedroom is a lot bigger, aka a whole wall and a half so I was able to fill in the space with a shelf for books, a bulletin board, and a display for my antique Winnie collection.

I'll start here.

This is my dresser technically, but we have lots of storage in our bathroom so I don't keep much up on top. The tall books, miscellaneous items, and Mickey family ears fit just right! Felix only has two pairs of shoes right now, and I ran out of space everywhere else so they are just going right on top.

 

 

I've collected each of these pieces over the last 10 years. I found the shelf in a lucky etsy sale, it was only $10 but the brand is Lenox so my guess it was originally very expensive. It's safe to say I'm in love with it. 

 

 

The onesie hanging on the wall was our "guest book" from the baby shower. People didn't really get the memo that they were supposed to sign it, but that's ok, it doesn't look too cluttered with ink which may have happened if everyone tried to fit on there.

 

I bought the ears during our last visit to Disneyland. I can't wait to see his little self wearing them.

 

The decal was found on Etsy as well. I agonized over which quote to get, but I think this one fits just right. This pregnancy has set us on a path of surprise adventure. 

I found the canvas prints at the JBF sale last week and the print above is from a thrift store in Redwood City.

 The crib is refurbished from a family near my in-laws cabin in Lake Almanor. It just so happened to be the same brand we were planning on buying brand new!

The quilt was made by Grandma Pat (Seth's mom) as well as the blanket in front. Apparently bumpers are bad, so we don't have one for now...though I still kinda want one. Maybe when Felix is older they will come back to being okay with the baby safety police.

 

Here are some of the stuffed animals he has so far, not too many and nothing gigantic! I'm glad we weren't given anything obnoxiously large at the shower.

 

The wall to the right of the crib is a hodgepodge of things. The shelf originally had the Mickey ears on it, but I felt it was much better suited for books. We got a lot of books as gifts which is awesome! The bulletin board was from a craft faire I did last year, as well as the embroidery hoops. It dawned on me one afternoon that I could make a hidden Mickey from the hoops so I went with that. As Felix collects things that need to be put on the board things can be easily moved around!

 

 

I'm hoping to find a slim standing shelf to put his extra blankets and such. The space is quite small because that's where our closet door opens up to. The nice part is that the door is usually closed the space is usable, but the spring door stopper gets in the way of fitting anything larger there. 

 

The opposite wall is definitely an awkward space. The light switch plates are very awkwardly placed on the wall so my original thought of having my dresser go there wouldn't work, the changing table dresser did though, so I did the collage wall above that. It ended up being a good space to have the changing table fit, yet there is not enough storage in it! 

I wish the changing pad wasn't as long, it only leaves about 1 inch for any kind of changing stuff like baby powder or wipes! I had to move some things around to fit a small shelf above the table that could hold wipes.

We are cloth diapering so we don't need a whole lot of space to hide disposables! We have wet bags for soiled inserts hanging off the side of the table. I'm sure things will be changed and moved as time goes on but it's nice to have a tentative plan for now! Most people say they like to change the baby on the bed but our bed is so low I can't see that being comfortable or easy for me.

 

 

 

I've been collecting these prints from various places. The top left is straight from the Disney animation studio and is layered with three different layers for how the scene was set up! I found the two book pages in different etsy shops and I made the F monogram myself. 

 

 Overall I'm so happy with how it turned out. I'm glad we ended up moving and having more wall space to work with, we all know I love to fill up the walls of my home!

Admittedly, it looks great now but not for long. Not pictured is the foil lining the crib for Penelope so she stays out, or the clothes usually piled up on the changing table, or the rest of the junk that life tends to clutter us with.

This is probably the best it's ever going to look. As soon as Felix actually arrives I'm sure I won't have time to clean it again, or tidy up the the books, or make sure all of the pictures are straight. I'm doing my best to have realistic expectations about motherhood knowing that I'll probably be too busy staring at my boys face rather than cleaning. 

Dear Felix,

Your space is all set up -- but you're not quite done cooking yet. We have about 30 days until your expected to arrive. I'd be ok if you came before that, but only if your healthy and ready.

Your dad and I are busy preparing for you in so many ways. We go to birth classes once a week and are going to be picking out your doctor soon. We try and rest now, knowing you probably will keep us up during most nights.

We wonder about what sports you'll want to play, what your voice will sound like, and when you'll learn to tell bad jokes like you're dad.

I hope your laid back like dad, but passionate like me. I hope you love Jesus, I pray you see the Gospel being laid out for you in our home every day. I hope you aren't afraid to be yourself. I hope you ask for help when you need it. 

I hope you know how much we love you already.

Love,

Mom. 

 

Obama Care Pt 2. -- & Other Ramblings

Welp.
Obama care is making a lot of people around me pretty angry.
I'm not angry yet, just disappointed.
One of my coworkers exclaimed the other day "Jamie, I hate to say it, but I think I'm becoming a Republican".
Her insurance premiums had just quadrupled - and then some. She now can't afford her own health care because of a program that's supposed to make it more affordable.
3 days later and she's still a Republican and I kinda love it.
I definitely didn't anticipate the cost to raise as much as it has, I am shocked by how much the cost of insurance for people who already had it skyrocketed. It's scary to think about the damage this will do to peoples finances.
Will more people have to go without health insurance now because they can't afford the premiums?
Will those who were formerly insured now be the ones forced to be uninsured because of cost? 

Only 16,000 people have signed up so far...will the costs rise higher as more people sign up? We have a long way to go, California.
I saw a statistic a few days ago that showed that there are more people in California collecting welfare than people that are actually employed. That's scary.
And what about the rest of the country? Some states have opted to not expand Medicare & Medicaid, some have chosen to expand, and some have chosen to stay the same. What about costs of premiums of those living in other states? Did we get a proper warning about what this would do financially, or only listen to the blanket statement that this would be "cheaper healthcare for ALL"?

Maybe insurance companies could lighten up on their ridiculous pre-existing condition clauses. I'll never forget the day I got a letter in the mail from my insurance saying that wouldn't pay for a blood test because it was for a "pre-existing condition" that I failed to mention -- that blood test, was the test that showed I was pregnant. Pre-existing by a matter of...weeks, weeks in which I was covered under them. Shame on you, Anthem. Shame on you. You bet I put my caps lock hand writing on and scribbled an angry message back to them -- not only showing proof of previous insurance but proof of their idiocy.

The saga continues, and quite a lot has happened since my previous post on insurance.
Two weeks ago I was under the impression that my insurance (through my mother) would cover my baby up to 30 days after he is born. Long story short, we were "misinformed"....or lied to.
We found out last week that my insurance company has some major training issues -- and that they train their employees to give 25 different answers to the same question.
And if I hadn't pestered for the right answer it could have cost my family $20,000+.

Because of a clause in my policy about dependents and their children  -- baby Van Nuys will not be covered in the hospital after he is born. If they as much touch his little body we will get charged FULL price.
I'm not complaining about the policy itself, I get that it's what we are signed up for.  There is a huge problem with training!  Because I work in a call center where 40+ people must be trained to give the exact same information out all the time I am a little extra sensitive to this issue. I was told 3 times by 3 separate people that the baby would be covered -- only when I called back to get that statement in WRITING was I told that he wasn't covered. What a joke. Now, here I am scrambling at 8 months pregnant trying to get different coverage.

Just as God would cause all things to work out, we found a way for me to hop on Kaiser insurance through my Dad's company and get full coverage now, regardless of my pregnancy. It won't be cheap once baby arrives...but it will definitely be less than $20,000 for labor and delivery, and hopefully we will qualify to get him on Medi-Cal after the birth is said and done. We do technically qualify for Medi-Cal right now, but it is too risky to wait the 45 day processing time and possibly get denied right before I give birth. So, I now have to switch doctors, hospitals, and entire insurance providers -- at 33 weeks pregnant. It is quite the headache. Granted, it could be worse -- I could be 37 weeks...or 38..or 39....or on the way to the hospital in labor when they called and told me he wasn't covered. All is grace.

There are a lot of benefits to this switching of policies and care.
I get to see the new doctor & midwife at Kaiser on Thursday -- and they offered me a whole 30 minute appointment. At my old doctor all I got was 10 minutes, and I waited 45+ minutes every time because every day she is running late.
The hospital is much closer to our house. Compare 30 miles to 50 miles
There are no questions about if the baby will be covered -- we know for a fact that he will be and that is such a huge relief!

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There's a lot of other things seeming to be snowballing right now for me.
Even though it is my last week of work (hallelujah) my stress level seems to have skyrocketed.
I've been praying for peace, and God has been gracious. He's been bringing to mind scriptures that I overlook or have forgotten about. He's been giving me friends to pray for me constantly and encourage me when things are tough.
My two besties will be here on Friday which means that all of my cares will be lifted (for a few days at least).

And the question is continuously begged, are you ready?
At the end of the day, we are still no where near prepared to be parents. Reality has not hit yet -- or rather sunk in. The smack came the day that we tested positive, but the sinking in part, we'll see when that comes. I reckon it will happen on the way home from the hospital. My heart rate will gradually rise as we get closer to home, I will have google open on every device within arms reach - ready to hit search when the baby starts pooping, or screaming, or crying, or farting, or laughing, or smiling. God definitely knew what He was doing when He gave me a mom who happens to be a doctor. I've avoided sleepless nights, waiting rooms, and awkward yearly physicals thanks to her, not to mention the doctor bills. Seth and I will sit on the couch with our sleeping babe staring at each other in amazement, much like we did in the moments we drove away from our wedding -- and when he starts screaming we will look at each other with an expression that says...."we can do this, right?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. We're excited. I think we're also a little terrified, and I'm learning to believe that that is ok.
All is grace. 

On Chaos & Peace.

Life has moved from crazy to chaos, it is official. 
Taking apart our home has made it really hard for me to feel peaceful. I'm quickly realizing how I cling to the peace that a put together home brings me. 
I'm surrounded by half packed boxes, sparsely filled shelves, and dust. Lots of dust. 
I'm trying to take things little by little, two boxes one night and none on the next. I'm putting together goodwill boxes -- and since we've lived here exactly one year it gives me a pretty good gauge on what to throw out. If  I haven't touched it in the past year, it probably doesn't need to move with us and sit another whole year. But, that just leaves another task on my ever growing list - yes it is good to take things to goodwill but my list is growing and my time is not. 

I also picked up a few extra shifts at work. 
Terrible, terrible plan. 
But work is extra chaotic with recent company wide changes, so it seemed doable at the time. 
But my increasingly pregnant & increasingly tired self probably should have said no and not tried to play superwoman. I actually do less quality work because I'm so tired. 
I'm realizing that playing superwoman is something I also try to do way too often. Pick up the slack, do more than I should, overwork myself to not appear lazy.
 It's definitely a pride issue. Because sometimes I want a little extra glory. Trying to get extra glory is like swimming against a strong current though, I backslide and fall and end up further away from glory than when I started. Then Jesus knocks me over the head and says, "hey kid - I'm the one who gives you strength therefore I get the glory, besides I transfered ALL of my glory to YOU on the cross and gave you MY righteousness, do you really think you can earn more than my death did? Your glory doesn't matter."

My glory doesn't matter. 
Nor has it ever mattered - nor will it EVER matter. 

It strikes me that lately my glorious little world I've created is kind of unravelling. 
My home is in pieces. There is dust, cat hair, cat litter and cobwebs all over everything.
My body is becoming large...and striped for that matter. As beautiful and exciting as pregnancy is, it s a reality check on my addiction to food and how I all to frequently comfort myself with it. 
As this baby boy hijacks more of my body & its normal function I realize he will be hijacking our sense of "normal" too. That is not a bad thing, it's just frightening. 
I will be leaving work at the end of October which I'm excited about, but feel like I'm losing my sense of legitimacy as a young professional woman. I'm letting the world's opinion of me sneak in and tell me that staying home with my baby and only working part time is somehow wrong. 
And in realizing all of this madness, I too realize that I have spent less time with Jesus & in the Word in the past month. I opened up my notebook on Sunday at church to find it hadn't been touched since the Wednesday of the week before. 
My glorious little world is unravelling and my peace wont be found in me putting it back together. 
Because when times are chaotic I cling to my self-sufficiency, I cling to myself - not to my Savior. 

I'm beginning to understand the refining process.
It's a little painstaking. It requires a lot of pride swallowing & mouth closing.
But sanctification of the believer was never promised to be easy. And yet we shake our fists and hide from God the moment life gets chaotic and we lose control.

I've told myself that if I can get through the next few weeks I will reach peace. 
But that isn't true unless my peace is found in Jesus - not in the fact that I got all my crap done. 
Not if I can redecorate our home perfectly before the baby comes. 
Not if we can have the best first anniversary ever. 
Not if I can appear to be superwoman on the outside. 

I did not intend this post to be a confessional on the mess I've created in the past couple weeks. 
But maybe this will help someone else who is living in chaos. 
Hopefully it will bring some glory to Jesus - that would be good too. 

"All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:27-30

Rest for my soul.
I dont think I've ever found soul-rest in anything Ive accomplished.
Excuse me while I go and rest.
I believe its possible in the midst of my temporal chaos to find it.
It will take a heart change for me. 
A letting go of the crap that I crowd my life with. Or at least some of it. 
I'll be back soon and let you know how all of this is going. 

24 weeks! Grateful.

It's been hard to get a good belly shot lately...but here you can see little man is taking up a lot of room!

How far along? 24 weeks! 24 weeks means baby boy is viable for life outside the womb. If he was born tomorrow he would have a tough road ahead but he has a chance of surviving, which is amazing.

Baby size? About the size of a canteloupe! He is a foot long and now weighs over a pound.

What's he up to in there? Baby is kicking quite a bit. I woke up to him tossing and turning this morning! His lungs are completing their development in the next couple weeks and his taste buds are formed to the point that he can taste what I eat.

Total Weight Gain: 13 pounds. Haven't checked since my last dr appointment...but I have one this week so well find out.

Maternity clothes? Do other clothes exist? It's hard to remember life before this large, round midsection took over.

Stretch marks? Yes. And they are purple. It makes me a little sad, but its not like I went around showing my non pregnant belly anyways...

Sleep: The strange dreams continue, and baby is starting to show up in them. This week the baby was taken by my family because I somehow missed the first 6 months of his life. Also, Seth was a pro hockey player this week too. Weird I tell you, so very weird.

Best Moment: This past week we were told we had to move out in less than two months. As devastating and shocking as that was, we were able to find something fairly quickly that is better than we could ever imagine. A big thank you to everyone who was encouraging and praying for us. All of the kind words motivated me to not sulk in misery, but kick my butt into high gear and find something that would fit us. The real trick was finding a place that would let us keep our precious kitty. We are going to be living in a much different part of town, but it is more centrally located, within walking distance to restaurants and shops, and in our new place we will have real cabinets & storage, a patio, a pool, and a bedroom with a door. It will be so much more functional for us!

We start the moving process on September 9th, so for all you local friends...we'll be hitting you up. This mama to be cant move a whole lot of heavy stuff! 

The best moment this week was having our application for the apartment go through and getting to celebrate with Seth. Later at home we just kept saying "man, God is so awesome"....I think that is the resounding phrase of the last 6 months of our lives.

Miss anything? Some days I miss just being a normal face in the crowd. Pregnancy attracts so many looks and stares and special treatment. Not all good, might I add. I'm learning that showing off a pregnant belly used to be a big no-no, so when old people are busy staring to see if I have a wedding ring on, they are also glaring at how much my shirt hugs my belly because its immodest in their eyes. We live in a strange world.

Movement? Oh yes. I love it. It's kind of love hate though...because I love when I feel him, but I freak out a little when I don't for a while and then I jump to crazy conclusions. Good thing little man likes when I eat hot food, I can always count on him squirming around after I eat something warm!

  

Cravings: cheeseburgers.

This week someone posted a picture on Instagram and all of the sudden I needed to have it right now. Like, 5 minutes ago actually. Seth obliged and we soon left to eat 5 guys, but right as we got our food I got the text saying we were needing to move out....and the burger was not enjoyed in the slightest. I actually cried my way through eating it. 

And yes, you read that right. Our notice was delivered by text. Classy.

I digress.

Queasy/sick? I've been heartburn free for a few days...woo hoo!

Gender? Little man. I know a ton of pregnant ladies who are having girls, so I'm super excited to be having a boy. The outfits are so cute, I bought his going home outfit this week....complete with stripes and little airplanes. 

Also, note Seth's shirt in this photo from my birthday....

And then note this onesie I bought for our little man the next day... I can't handle all of the cuteness that will be oozing when father and son match.

Labor signs? Nope. Baby boy has moved up in my belly, presumably because he's growing and stretching.

Belly button? Definitely on its way out. Not full outty yet, that will be strange.

Wedding rings on/off? On! But at certain times of the day they are rather tight...

Mood? More emotional roller coasters. But, Seth keeps me laughing most of the time!

Looking Forward to: moving and putting together the nursery, the space I had planned for him will be a little different...but I'm sure our new place will have the perfect little corner for him. Especially since the prints and other wall decor started to arrive...

Also, I've been yarn bombing things lately...

Seth and I are in Tahoe for the weekend. A mini baby-moon if you will. 

We have a lot coming up in the next few weeks.

I'm going away to Portland to visit my beasties, and shop for wedding dresses with Melissa!

Our 1 year anniversary is fast approaching, too. I honestly can't believe how fast the past year has gone. 

I'm trying to decide when maternity leave will start, work is getting harder for me with a long commute and a emotionally draining work load. I don't want to bow out early, but I'm thinking the second week of October would be ideal - especially after moving I will be extra tired. I also just want some time to myself before the baby comes and changes everything. Not that I'm not looking forward to him being here, but life is about to drastically change so it will be nice to have some me-time.

All of that being said, this pregnancy is going by super fast! 

Until next time...

These Days

These days....

It's hot. I'm more thankful for air conditioning than I thought possible.

I'd rather not put on clothing, this bump is getting out of control and nothing is comfortable.

I need a daily reminder that my hips will go back to normal size, and that stretch marks do fade.

I'm feeling the need to nest. Yesterday I practically rearranged half of our house. It was necessary but a little overkill for one day.

Just a little sneak peak of part of the transformation...

I'm feeling withdrawn. I feel like I've been on overload and I just want to run away for a little while.

I need to connect. Mostly with Jesus. I rely too much on myself and forget how much I desperately need grace in order to do anything right. 

I need to stop stressing. About where were going to settle, how we're going to parent, how we're going to provide, how we're going to....survive.

I'm feeling tired. I think I already told you I need a vacation, but I'll go ahead and mention that again.

I need to appreciate my husband more. I take for granted all that he does, and need to remember that pregnancy is not a free ride to be a lazy slop of a wife.

I need to remember Gods promises.

That He is always good.

 He is always in control.

 His love and grace are never ending.

His power is greater than my fears and failures.

Life is only found in Him.

And as I waste my time in worry, doubt, and endless need for control...He says:

Child, stop it would ya? I've got this all figured out. In fact, I did before you even got here, before anyone ever got here. I love you. I love that baby boy inside you, remember the one that I purposed without your plan? Have you forgotten that I'm the provider? The bank-filler, the house finder, the job giver, the plan smasher, the only source of joy you've got.

And things go momentarily back into perspective, until my sin messes it up again.

So, I will hold onto this truth as long as I can remember. And when it fades, I'll repeat it all over again.

Because Your steadfast love is greater than life, my lips will praise You. Psalm 63:3

That Pregnancy Update Post I Know You've Been Waiting For: 15 weeks

It's time. I know after first baby comes I probably won't have the time or energy to devote to posts like these so here I go...documenting this little life growing in my belly :)

Here I am at week 15...and 3 days?

I know, I'm showing a lot more than I thought with my first baby too.
I blame a really short waist. I mean seriously short. And a small lipoma (fatty tumor) I have growing above my bellybutton. Either way, I look really pregnant. And I really can't hide it anymore.

How far along? 15 weeks 4 days

Baby size? An apple!

Total Weight Gain: hahahaha....yea let's just say I'll never talk about that on here.

Maternity clothes? Oh yes. I bought maternity jeans at week 10 and never looked back.

Stretch marks? None yet!

Sleep: Up until this week I have been sleeping really well. This week has been difficult. Waking up a lot, not being able to get comfortable, crazy dreams...I think it's just going to get worse from here.

Best Moment: Seth telling me I didn't look pregnant..and that I just looked amazing. That was only last week. I love him.

Miss anything? Beer, wine, hookah, rare steak.....*sigh*

Movement? No. I have an anterior placenta so chances are I won't feel anything for a while. Kind of sad, and definitely nerve wracking!

Cravings: Burritos, cereal, bubble tea. Nothing too crazy, right?

Queasy/sick? No. Smells are still bothering me quite a bit but it's more annoying than sickening.

Starting to show? Yes. Oh yes. I've been asked if I'm having twins.....and no, as of right now there is only 1 baby in there!

Gender? early NT scan showed some boy parts but we will have that confirmed in a few weeks. I. CANT. WAIT.

Labor signs? No. Thank goodness, no.

Belly button? Still full inny. No real changes yet.

Wedding rings on/off? On. Happily on! It will be a sad day to have to part with these babies!

Mood? Happy Happy Happy!

Looking Forward to...finding out gender and feeling movement!

Names? We're talkin. We probably won't be sharing super publicly before hand...we have to keep some things a surprise.

Tonight we're at home watching "The Business of Being Born" after I had a 12 hour work day. Seth made dinner, and dessert...and is pretty much the best husband I could ever dream up. He has beyond amazing this far and I couldn't be more thankful.

I'm looking forward to starting on this journey and documenting all of the fun, exciting, and terrifying things that go along with pregnancy!

Until next week...

Reflecting on Easter

This Easter was a lot different than Easter's past.

It was my first Easter that my family didn't have a big get-together  It was the first Easter that Seth and I had by ourselves. No Easter baskets, no presents, no morning church. 

Two months ago I probably would have told you that we would be home with our families, visiting our old church, having a normal Easter...but God changed our hearts. You see, I havent been feeling at home in our new church for the last few months. I have yearned to go back home and visit Hope Church, to be with our families, to not have to adjust to being somewhere new because it's so dang hard sometimes. 

I didn't want to put in the effort to committing somewhere new, to serving, to opening up to a new group of people, to meeting new girlfriends. Part of this is fear, part of this is pride, and most of it is just pure laziness. Jumping into the unknown is scary and hard and time consuming, we all know I don't have extra time to spare!

But God has been working on me. Working on my stubborn little heart. I've been putting in time, confessing my fears, my thoughts, my dislikes. He's given me some awesome women to meet and share life with. He's given us a new home. 

Here's most of our neighborhood group -- they have made Monday night my favorite night of the week.

Last month Seth and I felt a call. A call to be at Garden City Church for Easter. A call to become members. I felt the call to finally commit. To leave my stubbornness at the cross and trust Jesus for what He is doing here.

Easter at Garden City couldn't have been more glorious. Not because there is something overwhelmingly special about the music, or the preaching, or the people -- but it is where God wanted us. Resting in His plan is a glorious thing.

And not to mention that three ladies from our neighborhood group got baptized after the service. One of those three ladies has become a very close friend of mine. I know that God picked Michaela to be my friend when we moved here, He is so good at picking friends for us.

This is us a couple weeks ago at the Zoo!


Michaela has a powerful story of how God fought for her and saved her. Watching her get baptized was more beautiful than I could imagine.

Sonja and Stephanie are newcomers to our neighborhood group and it is awesome to watch how God put it on their hearts to get baptized and bam, here they are. One of the met Jesus less than THREE weeks ago -- how good is He?!



Seth's parents joined us at Garden City -- our pastor used to be the college pastor at their church so they actually knew a bunch of people at the service! I love when worlds collide like that, it reminds me of the fact that we are all one Church.
Easter this year was different. We went out for dinner instead of cooking something fancy. I didn't take any pictures of Seth and I, even though I had bought a cute dress for the occasion. We didn't do baskets or eggs or candy. We didn't go home like we had planned.

But we watched Jesus save lives. We got to celebrate His resurrection. We got to celebrate Him bringing our dead hearts alive through baptism.

We rested in His plan.
I'd like to start doing that more often.
Listening, discerning, praying, following.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the counsel of the Lord, it will stand."
Proverbs 19:21

Pinterest Made Me Do It.

It's not that often that I see something on Pinterest and am absolutely in need of buying it.

But in my hopes for weight loss through low carb living I've been uninspired. I've been bored with meat and cheese. I don't like vegetables that much, so its a huge chore to find a recipe that is all veggie that I will enjoy. 

Enter the GEFU Spiral Slicer.

Weird name, I know. It's German. It's like fully german, the box and directions and everything. 

As soon as I saw the picture of it on Pinterest I knew I had to have it. For a girl that grew up on pasta every night, I miss the crap out of pasta. I miss how easy it is and how versatile the recipes are. I don't miss how much weight it kept on me though, and in comes the Gefu.

Heres how it works: Cut off the end of your cylindrical veggie, and turn counter clock-wise against the blades inside the Gefu. I like zucchini and squash best. You can also try carrots, cucumber, radish...there's a lot of options. 

Next: Be amazed at how much 1 squash and 1 zucchini can produce when they are cut in this way. 

Yes people, that is 1 of each. Granted, they do shrink when they are cooked..but I was still surprised at how much they produced!

Next: sauté to your liking. Or leave raw if you can stand to eat veggies that way. I added some left over ground beef and vodka sauce. It was my favorite low carb lunch ever. 

The texture definitely mimics spaghetti. I am so happy that I found this contraption on Pinterest. It was definitely worth the $29.95 price tag. I will be enjoying low carb "pasta" for a very long time thanks to it!

I got mine on Amazon but there are plenty of other online retails to buy from. 

Disclaimer: This post is not sponsored. My blog is not that cool yet, and I really just wanted to tell you how much this has changed my life. 

Happy Tuesday, friends!

Miscellany Monday

I like miscellaneous posts, because I don't much else to say these things other than jumbled up thoughts that somehow make up the story of my life right now.

How was your weekend? We went home to see my family, it was my brother's 25th birthday. It would also have been my Grandpa's 92nd birthday the same day. I've been thinking a lot about my grandparents lately. I think about their love for me as their youngest grandchild and how blessed I was to have them in my life. I get sad for 2.5 seconds until I remember where they are. Oh, for that day!

I bought this little gadget a couple weeks ago.

Source: slimmingeats.com via Rachael Kennedy Creative Hairdressing on Pinterest

And I haven't used it yet. I think today I will try it out! I was kind of bummed when it arrived because its from germany, and therefore there are no directions in English, no special recipes....I think I'll have to search the blogs of people that already own one.

That being said, Seth and I have gotten back on a low-carb diet. I feel less gross already. I also stopped craving sugar already! This diet is my favorite of all diets. Despite it's controversial history I totally believe that you can make low-carb a life-style and not just a few month long diet.

Eating on a low calorie diet however, makes me want to rip my hair out.

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Our church had a guest preacher yesterday, a man named Justin Anderson who is soon launching a church in San Francisco called Redemption Church. His message blew me away. Going back through it in my mind makes me realize how though a sermon can have a similar message of one you've heard before, its all about the delivery. I was broken by the end of it, in the very best way possible. Broken over how I have tried to fit Jesus into all of the broken areas of my life and that simply doesn't work because He offers us a NEW life. He also illustrated the danger of preaching a reduced Gospel, when we reduce the Gospel to solely being about the cross, we miss the beginning half of THE story. The story that God has been writing throughout human history and why we needed Jesus to come and redeem it. We miss the beauty of the grand story of Jesus coming to rescue the world, Jesus didn't just come for me, He came to be the answer to the WORLD.

It made me realize that my struggle with dissatisfaction lately might be linked to the endless focus on MY sin. I'm now going to refocus on the larger picture of God coming to redeem the world. That is such an easier message to preach to friends and family who don't know the Lord. I'm beyond excited about what God is doing in me, in us.

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Last monday I decided to go out on a proverbial limb, a big limb for me to even consider. I bought some soil, some pots, and some seeds and decided that I was going to grow some vegetables.

Yep.

In a couple months we will (hopefully) have homegrown zucchini, squash, bell peppers, and onions. I could have done garlic too, but our town produces enough of that already *snort*.

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This is my last week of working full time at my current job. I am thankful to have had this experience, and grateful that they are letting me stay on part time, but beyond thrilled to finally start substitute teaching.

The last few months have been draining, frustrating, and tough -- but full of growth.  I felt stuck in my job because of our financial situation, because of our health insurance situation, because of my experience ( or lack their of). God has opened the door and allowed it all to work out perfectly, isn't it awesome when He does that?!

Last week I stressed about health care after I learned that part time at my job means 32 hours a week -- I mean, come on. That meant that Seth and I would be dropped on March 31st. That also means that we would have to get private health care for both of us -- which they say is easy when you're "young and healthy"....not exactly true. We found out last week though, that my mom will be able to put me back on her health insurance, and for me being the more risky and injury prone spouse we couldn't have been more excited!! Now all I have to do is get insurance for my husband who goes to the doctor once every 5 years. Easy peasy. 

I'm excited for this new chapter. I'm overjoyed that I get to spend more time at home, cooking meals, getting chores done, having a normal sense of life again. Maybe I'll read a book, or do a puzzle, or craft! 

Happy Monday friends!