Monday, August 19, 2013

On Chaos & Peace.

Life has moved from crazy to chaos, it is official. 
Taking apart our home has made it really hard for me to feel peaceful. I'm quickly realizing how I cling to the peace that a put together home brings me. 
I'm surrounded by half packed boxes, sparsely filled shelves, and dust. Lots of dust. 
I'm trying to take things little by little, two boxes one night and none on the next. I'm putting together goodwill boxes -- and since we've lived here exactly one year it gives me a pretty good gauge on what to throw out. If  I haven't touched it in the past year, it probably doesn't need to move with us and sit another whole year. But, that just leaves another task on my ever growing list - yes it is good to take things to goodwill but my list is growing and my time is not. 

I also picked up a few extra shifts at work. 
Terrible, terrible plan. 
But work is extra chaotic with recent company wide changes, so it seemed doable at the time. 
But my increasingly pregnant & increasingly tired self probably should have said no and not tried to play superwoman. I actually do less quality work because I'm so tired. 
I'm realizing that playing superwoman is something I also try to do way too often. Pick up the slack, do more than I should, overwork myself to not appear lazy.
 It's definitely a pride issue. Because sometimes I want a little extra glory. Trying to get extra glory is like swimming against a strong current though, I backslide and fall and end up further away from glory than when I started. Then Jesus knocks me over the head and says, "hey kid - I'm the one who gives you strength therefore I get the glory, besides I transfered ALL of my glory to YOU on the cross and gave you MY righteousness, do you really think you can earn more than my death did? Your glory doesn't matter."

My glory doesn't matter. 
Nor has it ever mattered - nor will it EVER matter. 

It strikes me that lately my glorious little world I've created is kind of unravelling. 
My home is in pieces. There is dust, cat hair, cat litter and cobwebs all over everything.
My body is becoming large...and striped for that matter. As beautiful and exciting as pregnancy is, it s a reality check on my addiction to food and how I all to frequently comfort myself with it. 
As this baby boy hijacks more of my body & its normal function I realize he will be hijacking our sense of "normal" too. That is not a bad thing, it's just frightening. 
I will be leaving work at the end of October which I'm excited about, but feel like I'm losing my sense of legitimacy as a young professional woman. I'm letting the world's opinion of me sneak in and tell me that staying home with my baby and only working part time is somehow wrong. 
And in realizing all of this madness, I too realize that I have spent less time with Jesus & in the Word in the past month. I opened up my notebook on Sunday at church to find it hadn't been touched since the Wednesday of the week before. 
My glorious little world is unravelling and my peace wont be found in me putting it back together. 
Because when times are chaotic I cling to my self-sufficiency, I cling to myself - not to my Savior. 

I'm beginning to understand the refining process.
It's a little painstaking. It requires a lot of pride swallowing & mouth closing.
But sanctification of the believer was never promised to be easy. And yet we shake our fists and hide from God the moment life gets chaotic and we lose control.

I've told myself that if I can get through the next few weeks I will reach peace. 
But that isn't true unless my peace is found in Jesus - not in the fact that I got all my crap done. 
Not if I can redecorate our home perfectly before the baby comes. 
Not if we can have the best first anniversary ever. 
Not if I can appear to be superwoman on the outside. 

I did not intend this post to be a confessional on the mess I've created in the past couple weeks. 
But maybe this will help someone else who is living in chaos. 
Hopefully it will bring some glory to Jesus - that would be good too. 

"All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:27-30

Rest for my soul.
I dont think I've ever found soul-rest in anything Ive accomplished.
Excuse me while I go and rest.
I believe its possible in the midst of my temporal chaos to find it.
It will take a heart change for me. 
A letting go of the crap that I crowd my life with. Or at least some of it. 
I'll be back soon and let you know how all of this is going. 

1 comment:

  1. I can SO relate to this, Jamie. Even though I'm not exactly in the same boat as you, I can relate to what you're going through- wanting to be superwoman and then the disappointment when you aren't and then the bizarre surreal feeling that it might be alright to not do it all. Praying for you, girl!