Tuesday, March 25, 2014

From this Valley

From our drive up the coast this past weekend.
I think it's ok to admit I'm in a tough place spiritually right now. 
Maybe it's becuase I haven't sat through an entire sermon since November.
I've been revisiting my testimony trying to find a glimmer of...something, but no matter how much I read, revisit, or remember I feel nothing. 
Worship songs that I usually love lack meaning.
I'm easily frustrated by church people, church things, church anything.
To be perfectly cliche, I'm just going through the (church) motions. 

I read a blog post last night about being in a spiritual desert, and I felt for the first time in a few months that there were words put to a feeling I couldn't identify. 
I haven't walked through this desert before. A desert, yes. But not this one. 
This desert is a place of transition, searching, confusion, and pain.
As I am transitioning into an entirely new identity, I find myself waiting for God to catch up, waiting to meet me here in this new place. 

This desert I'm in, is lonely. I'm searching for an identity I used to be familiar with, but everywhere I turn I find that I no longer fit. Blinded by the blazing sun I squint my eyes, hold out my hands, and trudge aimlessley around looking for something to grab hold of.
 It's like I'm captain of a different ship, in a different ocean, with a different crew, sailing to find a new land.

Yesterday I walked into my closet and threw out a ton of clothes. Most of them didn't fit anymore, but I sat on the edge of our bed thinking..."would I keep them even if they did fit?" Much to my husbands demise, I wouldn't keep them, even if they did fit. Because they don't belong to me anymore. They belong to a version of me that is gone.

I wish I could blame this on lack of sleep, but alas, my kid has slept through the night for the last two months. I wish I could blame it on lack of leadership, but my husband is constantly pushing and encouraging me to keep going to church and to group. I can't blame it on God, because He is the one who has not changed, who has never changed, and who never will change. I could probably blame it on myself, but being hard on myself about not reading my Bible enough or praying enough somehow seems like it would make matters worse. 

I know that God will meet me in this desert. 
I trust that water is coming. 
These song lyrics are ringing in my head:

Oh the desert dreams of a river
That will run down to the sea
Like my heart longs for an ocean 
To wash down over me

Oh wont you take me from this valley
To that mountain high above
Oh I will pray, pray, pray till I see your smiling face
I will pray, pray, pray to the one that I love

In the mean time I will cling to what I know to be real.
My baby, who must hold my hand while he eats, and who stuffs his hand inside my sweater when he sleeps.
My family, who is constantly supportive and caring for us.
My husband, who works hard every day and still manages to make me laugh like he did on our first date.
I will cling to the small faith I have at this moment, the quiet reminder that He will quench this thirst in His timing, by His hand, with His love. 

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God.
 This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” 

Brennan Manning

1 comment:

  1. I've been in that desert before, it's a long and hard road at times and people are more often discouraging but there is a water at the end that will refresh you finally. You will have grown and see much having gone through this by the end. Christians do go through this, many just say that it's not okay but I believe it is and that it's normal.