Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Rewriting the Past

In recent media there have been so many videos, articles, and projects aimed at changing the way society see's womens bodies. I appreciate all of them. I share the ones that hits home the most. But positive self talk and redifining the status quo of beauty only go so far. In my heart, at the end of the day, the evil words that people have spoken about my body since I was young still ring in my ears. I go over the scenes in my head. I hear the exact phrases. I remember the emotions -- I still feel those emotions. I repeat the names of those who said them in my head. I wonder where they are, who they are today, and if they remember how much they hurt me -- if they know that those words are still hurting me.

In working through these issues in the past couple of months I've learned a few things. I've let my self worth be defined by what people think of me. I work so hard to protect being right, being liked, and to make sure people don't have a bad thing to say about me. I've been taught to tie my worth to an opinion that someone else holds. It's totally crazy and ridiculous to think this way...but it's the only truth I know. It's a time consuming life-sucking way to carry out my days. 

It's time to rewrite my past. To go back and change those heavy emotions. To tell "little Jamie" that she is beautiful, strong, smart, and that she doesn't have to waste her time making sure everyone else likes her. It's time to come out of the shadows, to stop being ashamed, to stop hiding. Revisiting each of those memories is so hard, but bringing out the heaviest ones will lighten my load. I want to rewrite the story of the sad girl whos been hiding, hiding from a world she's afraid she will dissapoint by just being herself. Right now I don't know what this looks like in a practical sense, but I have hope that better times are just around the corner.

I was reminded yesterday that God has given ME a NEW name. My new name is Beloved Child, Redeemed, Cherished -- Worth Dying For. My name is not Fat, Ugly, Chubby, or Big. These still open wounds from the past are the same wounds that Christ bore -- they are what Christ came to die for and free us from.

One of the biggest lessons I want to teach Felix is about the power of his tongue. I want him to understand that so much pain can be caused by his words.

Sorry for the heavy topic today. Sometimes you just need to be open, honest, and real about what's really going on behind the smiling baby photos and the adventures of our family. But, just for fun. Here's a photo of my sweet boy to end this post.

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